Walls Of Hearts

Chapter 90

I wasn't sure how I was supposed to go back to enjoying myself like I was doing before. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do to make it all go away.

But I knew very well what could have helped me.

Harry.

Being with him just made me feel like I was in my own small bubble and the only people who existed would be me and him. I could easily forget about everything that was happening around me just because of his presence. He was like a drug - he took me out of my reality and planted me in a different world - one that I preferred. But it was a shame because he was away so often.

I missed him more than I could ever have the words to express.

It was becoming harder for me now - not seeing him. At first I thought I'd be okay with it but it really was something I was finding more difficult over time, which was weird because I would have thought I'd be getting used to it.

But then again, the threats and 'presents' I was getting then would be nothing compared to what I'm getting now so of course I wanted him around me.

It was getting rather lonely, coming home to a huge home with nobody here to laugh around with. The silence was beginning to be quite daunting and cold instead of relaxing and peaceful. No matter where I stayed, whether it was in our home in Hampstead, Harry's old party house or the penthouse, each had the same deafening stillness - almost as though you were in a place you weren't supposed to be. And no matter how I tried to keep myself company - calling home to speak with Mum or Dad, face-timing Hannah or rining Alex so that I could fondle over the new baby, or talk to Amy, or gossip with Alice or annoy Alex - nothing seemed to work to make me feel comfortable or homely at all. Not even lighting up candles or the fireplace - despite it being spring - would make me feel warm at all. Not when the silence was so deadly and glacial, so knife-cutting that the sound of a pin dropping wouldn't just be heard but would echo a million times.

Whenever Eleanor came over, she did recommend we watch some movie to try and bring some energy back into the house but not even that was enough. I think it partly came from my lack of enthusiasm and my constant paranoia.

It was one thing to feel out of place but it was another to feel that your presence was rather intruding. And it was weird how my presence in my home led me to feel like I was committing a sin when all I was trying to do was go about my day.

It was crazy how the place I would have wished to call my safe place was no longer my safe place. It was just as uninviting as any place now.

"Come back." I'd told Harry although I wasn't expecting my voice to break as I said it. I'd never wanted to be so vulnerable when I could see he was having quite a few good days after having the most stressful days. I certainly didn't want to bring his mood down and I guess it was why I'd tried to stay away from talking to him for a while. But you could only hold your feelings in for so long, until it became a burden to carry around. So when I noticed Harry's expression turn into a frown, compared to his rather observant expression before, I'd instantly felt bad that I'd brought it up. "I'm sorry, I- you were having such a good day and I didn't want to rain on your parade."

"No, Jasmine." His eyebrows were furrowed even more as he responded to me. "Talk to me. If letting out how you feel is going to help you, I'm going to be here no matter what. And if I'm speaking honestly, my day was just the same as every other day - I was just trying to come up with something to take your mind off of all of this stuff." He admitted. And for some reason, him saying that brought the tiniest smile on my face, one that I couldn't help but let make its way.

 "I need you here, Harry. I hate living on my own." I told him truthfully.

"You know I would have taken you with me everywhere on the last tour and this one if it meant you weren't staying there, alone, right?" He replied and I nodded my head. I knew he would have done that, there was no doubt about it. Even if their management never agreed to it, he would have done something to make sure that I came around with him, on every square inch of every city that he would be going through. In fact, he would have even forced me to come along. But he respected that I wasn't the type who liked to depend on someone so much.