We're Finding Hope In The Hopeless

I'm Finding Hope In All My Broken Pieces

Tour had been passing slow but it was going good. Seeing the band hang out with their fans was amazing. The looks the fans' faces had the whole time brought a smile to mine.

Every date, Scarlett and I hung out by the merch until it was time for them to play. By then, her and I were backstage dancing along to the music. I would laugh at how ridiculous she looked with her giant earmuffs on and she would laugh right along with me. After each show, Ricky would religiously take Scarlett from me and have time with her on the bus.

Those were the moments when I was left alone.

I would lock myself away in my bunk and lay there, thinking about how far I had come since Ricky came back into my life. Most of the time, it made me smile to think about it. I would bite my lip and try to suppress the wave of passion my chest took on. Thoughts of him and Scarlett swarmed around my brain and nearly drove me insane.

Since the day I had remembered him, my life took a bunch of different turns. I had gone from a vodka obsessed, smoking mess to a well rounded woman who had a successful husband and a wonderful daughter. It was something I had never seen myself doing in a million years but here I was living it.

But lately, my mind had taken a dark turn. The memories I wished would fade away and put themselves in a dark corner, would come out and creep among my conscious. My throat began to burn for the lust of alcohol and my tongue faintly remembered the taste of my cigarettes.

The bitter powder of sleeping pills made my eyes feel heavy and I blinked away the sensation of the memories. That blushing lip bite had turned into furious chewing as I mentally battled away the threat of relapse.

I mean, what was I doing? Why did I need a drink? I didn't; but I wanted it.

I raked my fingers through my black hair and sighed loudly. I could hear Ricky talking to Scarlett and her squealing replies. I smiled sadly and grabbed my purse before heading off the bus. I had no clue where everyone else was but it didn't matter. I wanted to be alone.

I walked along the cold sidewalks and pulled my coat tighter. The grass had a thin layer of ice on it from the cold and the clouds covered the chance of a clear night. Before I even turned the corner, the small chatter of the bar greeted my ears and I smiled in satisfaction as the warm orange lights found my eyes. I glanced around myself to make sure no one was following me. I noticed a tall dark figure across the street but I brushed it off as someone I hoped I didn't know.

The bouncer nodded, allowing me in without checking my ID. I smiled and walked past him to the stairs. The bar was downstairs, I had guessed, so I walked down until I was met with the gross smell of sweat, cigarettes, and alcohol. Glasses clinked and smoke swirled around heads slowly, surely finding their way to the ceiling.

I sat down in front of the bar and looked at the various bottles filled with different colors, from a deadly clear to a gut retching brown. The bartender came up to me and leaned across the counter.

"What can I get you?" He smiled devilishly at me and I felt the strength of sobriety slowly leaving my body.

"Um..." My eyes passed over every bottle before stopping on the worst one yet. "Jack Daniels, please."

He nodded in satisfaction and quickly poured me a cup. He set it down in front of me before winking and leaving to take care of some returning customers. I stared at the glass of black brown liquid and breathed slowly.

Was I really about to do this? To myself? To Ricky? To Scarlett?

Some sick part of me, the old part of me, smirked and picked up the glass. She filled my head with that version of myself and played the memories over and over again. That burning feeling, that fuzzy feeling- she wanted it. And just as I was about to swallow it in one gulp, a pale hand grabbed my arm. Reality snapped back into place as I stared at it. I chewed my lip thinking of all my choices.

There was only one.

I left the cup on the counter and walked out, waiting for them to follow. Once we got outside and I turned around and craned my neck up to meet their eyes.

"What are you doing, Blaze? You have Scarlett to take care of. Don't go into-"

"Don't go into this dark hold that I was in before. Yeah I know, Chris, but you know sometimes after holding everything in for so fucking long it just finally gets to you and you need somewhere to go and some times alcohol is the only thing you can think of. I'm doing so good now and I don't deserve it and my gosh, I don't know what the fuck to do with myself anymore. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel real at all.... I feel like they're just going to leave me. And I'll be alone all over again." I whispered the last part in the space between Chris and I. The tears blurred my vision and I couldn't see him anymore. I felt light tapping on my shoulders soon followed by the sound of the rain hitting the leather of my coat.

I couldn't distinguish my tears from the rain and my sobs were thunder compared to peaceful sound of the water hitting the sidewalk.

Finally, I was engulfed in warmth. Cologne filled my nostrils and I grabbed onto anything I could find with my fingertips. I gripped Chris's jacket and hid myself as much as I could in his chest. He mumbled words that I couldn't make out over my crying and smoothed my damp hair with his hands. He would mention Scarlett from time to time and I had no idea why. All I could think about was how close I came to throwing everything I had away.

"Chris! Stop talking." I cried out into his shirt. He fell silent and I wrapped my arms around him tighter. "Just hug me, please." I asked softly. Chris's arms tightened around me and I sighed a shaky breath.

"Let's go back to the bus." Chris suggested and I nodded. We walked slowly back, hand in hand, to the bus. People no longer wandered the streets and I was sure by then Ricky was wondering where I was. To my surprise, no one was up and waiting for us. My heart tore at this and Chris saw it.

"I told them I'd go get you so they all went to sleep..." He slicked back his wet hair and wiped the water away from his chin. I nodded in understanding and sat down on the couch. Chris sat down next to me and took my hand in his.

"Tell me what happened."

I knew there was no way out of his question so I took a deep breath and thought about Scarlett.

"Everything happened so fast, I never got to work with myself to fix myself. It was like I had to suddenly become this new person- a wife and mother. I couldn't do a lot of the things I had grown to love anymore and... It was different. I could do it all some how but suddenly today, I realized I couldn't."

I looked down to see that Chris and I had intwined our fingers. His thumb grazed the back of my hand gently and I frowned.

"I've hurt you, I've hurt Ricky, Claire, Raven, and I almost just hurt Scarlett. I'm a mess and I haven't figured out how to work with that yet. I'm destructive. And mainly to myself."

Chris let go of my hand and leaned forward. He rested his chin in his hands and stared at the floor. I waited patiently for a response from him but didn't get one right away. Several minutes passed, with him in the same position, before he finally moved and turned to look at me. There was a look in his eyes that I couldn't make out and frankly, I didn't want to.

"I understand what you mean and I don't mean to hurt you but that's sort of how you left me. I was happy and I felt great and then you just left. I was expected to be okay with it and move on with the band and everything. It doesn't work like that."

"I know it doesn't." I stared at his lap and pursed my lips. I threw myself at him and cuddled up against his chest. Thankfully, Chris wrapped his arms around me and pulled us close.

"Let's just forget everything and start over. We can work out our broken pieces and I'll do the same with everyone else. But I'll start with you." I looked up and my nose grazed his chin. Chris smiled and slid his hand down my thigh.

"Of course."

I reached up to kiss his cheek. My lips lingered for a bit and I felt his brush past my cheek. I hugged him close and pondered over how thankful I was to have someone who still cared no matter what.