We're Finding Hope In The Hopeless

Something Old, Something New. In The End, It's Always You.

I jogged down the stairs as I was putting my hair up. I started to walk down the empty street, surprised that there weren't that many people out at 6 o'clock at night. I continued to walk and turned on some music to keep me company. Red Hot Chili Peppers put me at ease and I hummed along to 'Scar Tissue'. I could see car lights behind me and I turned around.

"Blaze!"

I stopped walking and walked up to the window. "Chris?"

"Hi."

"Hi. What are you doing?"

"What are you doing?" He bit his lip and my blood spiked.

"I'm taking a walk... Why?"

"I was wondering..." He paused and looked at his steering wheel, "would you like to go get some dinner or some coffee maybe?"

"Yeah sure. When?" I was short of breath and sniffled.

"Right now." His voice sounded as if he would have said 'obviously'. I thought about it and shrugged before getting into the passengers seat. The drive was silent and I didn't pay attention to where he was taking us but deep inside, I didn't really care. He finally stopped the car and I looked out the window to see we were in front of the same Italian restaurant we went to while we were dating after he came back from tour. My eyes stung as I got out of the car.

We walked inside and didn't talk. The waiter sat us and left us to pick what we wanted. I stared at my menu, not really absorbing the options in front of me. When the waiter came back, I pointed to the shrimp scampi even though that's not what I was craving. He left again and I could feel Chris looking at me. Finally, he spoke.

"So how far along are you?"

"Five and a half months."

"That's.. Wow." He chuckled.

"Yeah," I smiled, "the baby moves."

"Really?" I nodded and he smiled. "Is she moving now? Or he."

I pursed my lips and placed my hand on my stomach. I felt a fluttering and smiled. "Yes. Want to feel?"

Chris nodded and gently placed his hand on my stomach. I put my hand over his and pressed so that he could feel it better. Once the baby kicked, his eyes went wide. He recoiled a little bit but smiled as the baby moved another time. We laughed lightly and he sat back down.

"That's pretty amazing..." He mumbled and looked at the table. I frowned and tried to contain my tears.

"Yeah. They might be yours."

"Maybe." The air fell silent again and I sighed. I took a sip of my water and looked around the room. Chris cleared his throat and my eyes traveled back to his.

"Thought of any names?"

"Scarlett for a girl and Porter for either sex."

He nodded in agreement. "Well the reason I really asked you to dinner was because I wanted to apologize." He brushed some hair back and I glanced at his newly painted fingernails. They were better than mine and I pursed my lips. His eyebrows stood out against his pale skin in a perfect arc that was directed at me.

"Done checking me out?" He laughed and I blinked.

"I'm sorry." I chuckled and closed my eyes. "Continue."

"Well I'm sorry for being a jerk... And using you that one time... I really want to be positive about this. I'm going to help you and even if the baby is not mine it doesn't mean we can't actually be friends. I really took everything the wrong way and I'm so sorry." His voice pleaded with me and I took ahold of his hands from across the table.

"Forget about it. It's alright."

The waiter came back with our food and we waited patiently for him to leave so we could continue to talk. Unfortunately, a family came in and stood near us, waiting to be seated. We waited awhile longer as I picked at my food. They finally left us and Chris continued.

"I hope you forgive me. I'm really sorry, Blaze. I love you so much."

"It's okay, Chris. I do forgive you. I'll take whatever help I can get with this baby, whoever's it is." I smiled in his direction and added, "I love you also."

The rest of the dinner was filled with small talk about how Vegas went and how I'm coming along with the baby. We discussed the new album they were going to start writing and how excited he was for it to start.

"I hope you'll be okay while we're gone." Chris and I were walking back to the car. He slipped his hand into mine and our arms swayed gently.

"I'll be fine. I'll go back to work to keep myself busy." I smiled at the ground and we stopped walking. We were in front of the car but we didn't get inside. Instead, Chris brought his hands up to my cheeks and tangled his fingers into my hair. We were nose to nose and his lips were centimeters away. I could feel his breath on my lips and even though there was a frenzy of feelings inside my chest, I was able to shake my head.

"No..."

"I know." He settled for kissing my forehead. The kiss was soft and full of emotion and it brought tears to my eyes. We silently got back into the car and he dropped me off at home. We mumbled our goodbyes and I trudged up the stairs as Chris drove away. I sat at the top of the stairs watching his red car lights fade away into the night. I took a shaky breath and closed my eyes.

How does a girl handle more than herself? I was more than I needed. But here I was, pregnant with more responsibility when I couldn't even decided if I love Ricky or Chris most.

There was no denying that I was unconditionally and most definitely in love with the both of them. But for what reasons? They were nothing alike. They were more like fingerprints, each had a definite thing about themselves that varied from the other. They left an imprint in my life, different than the first time.

So why did I love them? Not because they took the time to see me out of everyone. Not because of the smiles, the tears, the shame and the blame. Not even for the reason sitting in my stomach. I loved them for a reason I couldn't explain. I could search and ask myself over and over again and I don't think I would know even after my last breath.

The front door opened and I could hear someone walk up behind me. A hand with 'Hope' tattooed on it appeared on my shoulder. His long black hair blocked my vision on my left side and his pale cheek passed over mine. I smiled at the smell the cigarettes coming off of him.

"How long have you been out here?" Ricky's voice was low but it still gave me butterflies. I felt the baby kick along with my feelings and my smile grew.

"Enough to figure out myself." I whispered.

"Really?"

I nodded and Ricky helped me up and into the apartment. I laid down in bed and waited patiently for Ricky to join me. Once he did, I pulled the covers high and hugged his small frame to mine. I gently traced his arm tattoos until he grabbed my hand.

"What's wrong." His words were accusing but I smiled anyway.

"Nothing actually. I'm pretty happy." He was silent so I continued. "I've realized that I don't need to beat myself up over who I want to be with. Because either one of you is more than I've ever asked for."

Ricky leaned over and his lips prevented mine from saying any more. I brought my hands up to tangle in his hair and his hand danced around my waist. I wasn't sure what the passion was for but something about it wasn't the same. It was something I'd never felt with him before but I didn't disapprove as it definitely gave me something different to taste.