Letters to Chanyeol

Letter 23

Dear Chanyeol,

I read somewhere that there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. All along, as you might have noticed, I was angry and in a way denial.

I know losing you was good. I know the many benefits I can get. I know you're a lesson and our relationship will make me stronger and better. But I move on from you, I start to realize that maybe I was indenial about our break-up.

Maybe I was telling myself these so I can easily convince myself to move on from you. Maybe the thought of us breaking was too much for me to accept that I had to continuously tell myself these things just to keep going.

Eventually, I started to hate you. I started to question everything that you did for our relationship. I was disappointed at how you turned out after the break-up. I was angry when you cut me off. I was even angrier when you started dating other people because you told me you weren't interested in dating.

But aside from those, there were nights, just like tonight, when I miss you. Nights when I wish we could just talk under the stars like we used to. Nights when I watch you play through video call. Nights when you tell me you miss me and love me.

Our relationship wasn't long, but every second felt like an eternity. Being with you made me the happiest. I miss your corny jokes, your awkward dances, your warm hugs, and your stolen kisses.

I was afraid of marriages but you made me visualize a future with you. You painted this wonderful photo in my head and shattered it when you realized I was no longer the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I think this is what they call, bargaining. Even if I didn't ask you to come back, my mind was full of what ifs. Then, there was the depression stage. In this stage, I don't eat a lot, I have a fucked up body schedule, and so on.

During this stage, I would cry every night and feel sad for days and weeks. Even if I still had the motivation to work and write my book, my emotional and mental state were in the lows. Other than crying and being extremely sad, I also lost faith in love.

I no longer wanted to be with anybody else. I easily get irritated when people try to flirt with me. I had no motivation to talk to anyone. I created a world by my own and I didn't want to let anyone in.

I don't know until when I can feel this way. According to the article I read, there was a huge chance that I would go back to indenial and the rest of the stages. Maybe the next time I write you a letter, I would be in the acceptance stage -- for real. But for now, let me cry and miss you.