Letters to Chanyeol

Present Time

It's Chanyeol's death anniversary. While it sucks that it was the day after our wedding, I decided to visit Chanyeol at the cemetery. The huge tree was my reminder where he was. I brought some food with me since I think I will spend a lot of time here.

I wanted to be with him, even like this. I want to think that he was just beside me, holding my hand. I sat beside his grave and layed the food I prepared, just some chips and sandwiches. For some reason, the sky was clear and everything was peaceful. It kind of feels that the universe was with us.

I placed the letter I wrote for him under the bouquet of roses I brought. I closed my eyes as I tried my best to imagine him in front of me. He would wear his favorite white polo and black shorts. He would have this huge smile on his face. A smile that would only appear whenever I was with him.

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. "Chanyeol, I wish you were here." I removed my jacket and suddenly an enveloped appeared. I got it and was surprised that it was the letter from Chanyeol. It was given to me by Kyungsoo a year before and I was scared to read it back then and eventually forgot about it.

I looked at the grave, "You wanted me to read this, huh?"

I looked at the envelope closely and noticed that some of it was washed since I placed this jacket on the laundry. I didn't wear this jacket again after because I didn't want to remember Chanyeol's funeral. I took a deep breath and opened it.

I wasn't sure if I was ready to read the content but if this was a sign, I might as well take it. Some of the parts were washed away, except for his main letter, which was weird if you ask me. But maybe this was the purpose after all. For me to really know his last thoughts. For me to read what he wanted me to know before he passed away.

My Sunshine,

Kyungsoo told me you wrote letters for me for 3 years and I really hoped you sent it to me. I would love to hear your thoughts, even if I'm pretty sure more than half of it was angry at me. I accept everything.

I don't know if I ever told you how lucky I am to have you. I remember seeing you for the first time on that day and you were stunning. Your smile lightened my world, as cheesy as that sounded. You knew I was broken from my past relationship but you accepted me anyway. You knew I was not in my best self, but you loved me a 100%. Your patience and understanding were the secrets to our strong relationship, even if you don't agree with me.

What we had before was short but meaningful. We entered each other's lives surprisingly and we found comfort in each other. We're like two pieces that are meant to stick beside each other. You fixed my broken pieces even if all I ever did was broke you. You helped me get out of my shell and I let you enter my world. We gave each other a reason to believe in things we were afraid of.

Baekhyun, you're the only man I ever loved. You might not know it but I appreciate everything that you did for us. When I was pushing you away, you were finding ways to fix us. When I was in a bad mood, you smiled and comforted me. When I needed a friend, you let go of your pain and was there by my side.

Even after we met after 3 years, you were still the same old Baekhyun that I knew. You took me in and loved me with all your heart. Once again, you fixed me but this time, I can no longer be fixed. Maybe this time, I was meant to fix you.

You always told me you believe in coincidences. You believe that everything happens for a reason and this was the reason why we met again, aside from me reaching out to you. I came back to give you the answers that you wanted. I came back to take away all the pain and anger in your heart. I came back to give you a proper goodbye, though I do hope it was a good goodbye.

There were a lot of things I wanted to say but I need to keep this short as you know that I am not fond of writing letters. I asked you to marry me even if I knew I won't last long. It was the last selfish thing I did. You said yes and to be honest, I didn't want anything else. All I ever wanted was for us to be together and when I was given the chance, I knew I was ready to go.

I'm sorry if we got married. But I am more sorry to tell you that the wedding certificates were not real. I'm not sure if you'll be happy or sad about it but it was the truth. I asked Kyungsoo to help me because I can't bind you with me forever. You deserve someone who will be with you until you grow old. I can't give you that, Baek.

Before I end this letter, I want you to promise me one thing? Continue living. Don't stop everything because of me. Don't stop believing in love. Don't stop looking for a reason to continue. You have a lot of potential. You have a lot in store for you.

I am just a temporary place you needed to visit but don't stay with me for too long. Someone out there can love you better than me. Someone who will not run away in times of crisis. Someone who will stick by you through thick and thin. You deserve all the love in this world, my sunshine. Don't waste it on me.

Don't lock yourself in your room. Don't stop writing. Instead, write and inspire more. Share your talent to the world. Share them our story. I am not your end. I might be your beginning, but never your end.

I love you and if you're thinking that I'm pushing you away, you're wrong. I just want what's the best for you. That's how much I love you. I love you so much to the point that it's okay for me to see you be happy with someone else. It's okay if I'm not your end game because for me, you're my end game.

You're my first and last love and no one can replace that.

If I can make a wish, I won't wish to be alive again. I would wish that we would meet again in our next lives. I want to meet you again and this time, I want to make things right. I want to be better for you. I want a better story for us. A story where I won't hurt you. A story where I won't get sick. A story where both of us will get the ending we deserve: together. You know I'm not a believer of destiny like you, but if destiny is real then I hope we're destined for each other.

But for now, we'd have to stick to our reality. Thank you for a wonderful life, Baekhyun. Thank you for making my life so memorable, I didn't want to go. Thank you for changing me and for making me a better person.

Thank you for showing me what true love is all about. Thank you for being my boyfriend, my bestfriend, and now my husband. Thank you for being my sunshine and my home.

I love you. I will always love you.

Until we meet again,

Park Chanyeol.