Letters to Chanyeol

Letter 21

Dear Chanyeol,

Sometimes I wonder, what if I didn't meet you? What if I never helped you find the cafeteria? Where would I be right now? Would have I dated someone else when we were college? Would we have been at least become friends? Would I be happy with someone else? Or would I be still single?

It was true that I had a lot of what ifs. There were days that I couldn't sleep and remember that simple moment where everything started.

But you know what? I don't regret it. Every single one of it. Loving you was still one of the best decisions I ever made. Helping you that day was my favorite college moment. Letting you in my life was something I liked about myself.

Spending time with you for a year made me the happiest man in the world. It changed me. In a lot of ways, it made me stronger. You let me enter a whole new world that I don't regret discovering. You introduced me to people who became my friends.

You helped me realize a lot of things about myself. You pushed me to become braver and wiser. You helped me discover my capabilities.

I don't regret fighting for us, for fixing myself, for trusting you, and for waiting for you. I don't regret loving you with my whole heart even if you decided I'm not worth it.

I don't regret giving you my time and effort. You deserve everything that I gave you. I would never forget everything that happened between us.

Even if I saw you follow those girls and remove me from everywhere else, I'm not mad at you. Even if I knew you lied to me, I still don't hate you. Even if you made me feel like I was crazy for being jealous, I understood.

Maybe this was the kind of love that most people wanted to have. The kind of love wherein you love the person even if they cannot give it back to you. To love someone from afar and wish for their happiness even if you're suffering. To wish that the person you love find the right person for them even if you would probably be alone.

I love you, Chanyeol. I don't know if I can love anyone like I loved you. I don't know if I can ever date again or give my everything to someone. I don't know if I can ever take a risk again. I don't know if I can trust anyone. I don't know if I'll ever believe that true love exists.

But I don't regret it. We both know you deserved to be loved like that. You deserve someone like me, even if you never saw it that way.