Easy Habit {h.s.}

Do You Wanna Go?

-C8-
I don't wanna be alone
When I am so far from my home
You wanna feel something
But I don't feel nothing
Trying so hard to get over you
———

Maylen Bridges

It's been a week since I last spoke to Harry, since he last spazzed out on me, and since my anxiety attack.

He's been texting and calling me but I haven't picked up or replied to his messages. I need time, i don't know how much but I do. I need to focus on my self right now, I have big things ahead of me and I can't have a random boy messing that up. Knowing that he triggered me into having another episode gave me the idea that he wasn't someone I needed around. The only reason I even slept on the phone with him was because I was vulnerable and alone.

I need some alone time to gather my thoughts and become one with my self, so I decided to go out this morning. I got up straight from bed and washed my face, and brushed my teeth. I didn't take a shower or do my hair because i told myself not to care what others think today. I'm going to a small cafe for a little while and then straight back home, so it shouldn't matter.

***

The walk back felt longer than usual but freeing because it cleared my head a bit before I returned to the loneliness that awaited me back home.

When my foot hit the first step of the staircase that led to my apartment my phone vibrated. I swear if this is Harry again I'm done.

New message : Haden

Received||9:24am: Hey... it's been a bit you alright out there?

Sent||9:24am: Yeah everything's great how's Madrid? I didn't get to say goodbye to you guys I'm sorry.

I text back now taking a seat on the staircase.

Received||9:26am: She's good! And so am I.. Will you be home Tuesday I want to talk. If you're busy then thats fine i can wait.

Sent||9:26am: About? And no I won't be busy, you know you don't need to ask to call right?

Received||9:27am: lol I know but I needed to make sure... I have to go though ttyl! <3

Why can't she just tell me right now I'm sure it's not that serious. Who schedules a call with their best friend.

When I finally reached my apartment I went straight to my shower. Clearing my head on a walk was fine but a hot shower would ease me more I suppose. I use to take showers without music because I hated not being able to hear my surroundings, everyone would always be sleep or gone from home when I'd shower and given that I've always had anxiety I'd freak out from the smallest sounds. The minute my mom left, I wouldn't shower without it on. I think it's because I don't want to know what's happening out side of this tiny space.

When you're in a shower completely naked and alone sometimes you get in your head or you work out scenarios of moments that could happen or could've been changed if you did something different. I learned I didn't like that feeling.

Venting to my self was never easy because it'd always end in self harm so I started to shut it out with music, hearing them go through what I went through or just to know that they've been hurt once more helps me realize I'm not alone in this.