it's been a few weeks since i took Rae out to ice cream and today is Jordan and Ellianna's 4th birthday
i am so excited but also so sad with them being 4 that means i have to put them in preschool which means they're growing older
i don't want them to be older i want them young forever and ever and ever
at least i have Hunter... for now
"mommy do you know what day it is today" Jordan says smirking, coming up to me while i make breakfast
"hmm i'm not sure what day is it?"
"it's a very very special day. do you not know!"
"i know it's tuesday... and it's November"
"annnnnd"
"thanksgiving is soon"
"MOMMY! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW"
"i'm kidding i'm kidding i know it's my two little babies birthday"
"hey me and Ellie are NOT little or babies we're a big boy and girl"
"sorry Jordan but you and ellie will always be my babies and nothing you say will stop that"
"even when we're 85000!!!"
"yup."
"wow! so are we going to have a birthday party"
"yup. it's going to be all of us and Zach's boyfriend"
"i wish daddy could be here with us" he says pouting
"i know honey i'm sorry"
this is their first birthday without Carter around so it has to be tough on them
all of the other kids birthdays are in december and the end of November so it's also the first birthday we're celebrating without him
"it's okay momma you weren't the reason he died i just miss him"
"i miss him too baby"
"you want a hug momma? you seem sad"
"i do need one can you give me one"
"mhm"
he jumps up and i catch him
"i love you momma don't be sad you have me" he says squeezing my neck making me feel so much better
"i'm so so sorry baby i know i have you i just feel bad for you guys"
"doooon't!!! we might not have daddy but we do have hayden and zachy, and Rae, and Ellie, and me, and Hunter. also we have the best mommy in the whole entire world. do you know what mommy that is"
"which mommy is that?"
"YOU! you are the bestest. now don't be sad anymore i only like seeing you smile"
i smile at him and he laughs
"yay mommy happy. can we go wake up everyone"
"after i make breakfast first"
"okayyyy well i gonna wake up Ellie"
"okay baby i'll call you down when it's ready"
he runs away upstairs and i go back to cooking
as i start i get a text from Corbyn
C- hey i remember you telling me today was your twins birthdays so tell them i said happy birthday
S- thank you so much! i'm surprised you remember.
C- of course i do. so what are you doing for their birthday
