its now dinner time and my husbands, i mean my ex husbands mom is coming over to eat
we haven't had the best relationship but once he died we became really close
"grammy!!!" Jordan screams running to the door after we hear a knock
"woah buddy watch out you're gonna fall"
"i don't care i wanna see grammy" he jumps up and down and i pick him up
i open the door and she's there holding gifts
"woah what are these?"
"gifts for my babies" she smiles and walks in
she puts them all down and she looks at me sadly
"oh sweetie are you okay" she pouts and hugs me
"i miss Carter a lot"
"i do too but he's happier now."
"he was happy here"
"honey he wasn't happy being held how he was. he's with you forever now though. have you been sleeping?"
"hardly. i fall asleep but then i start dreaming about him and i wake up"
"aw i'm so sorry but he would hate you sad. you know when he was still here and you felt sad about something he would always talk to me and ask how to make you happy. he cared so much"
"i know he did. when i was sad he would leave me alone for a few minutes and then come back and hug and kiss me until i was happy again. then he wouldn't leave me alone until the next day. he really was the best husband"
"are you looking around for others"
"i am. i know it's really soon but i don't want to have to be alone forever"
"i think it's good that you are looking. again he wouldn't want you to be sad forever"
"exactly. it's just i can't help but feel like i'm cheating on him when i talk to other boys. i barely even call him my ex husband"
"it will take some time. when my first husband died, it took years before i could like anyone. but once i did i had an amazing time and i met Carters father"
"i hope i find that. i'm just worried that i'll date someone, all the kids will love them, and then they will break up with me and everyone will be heartbroken. i don't even care about me i'm just worried they'll get hurt. also i don't want them to judge me based on them"
"i understand and that's going to be the hard thing. but what you're doing is very admirable. you are a 26 year old single mom to 6 kids, 3 of which are adopted and you manage to take care of them flawlessly. any person who would judge you and think anything bad doesn't deserve you anyways."
"thank you for saying that" i say and suddenly Jordan is climbing into my lap
"momma is it dinner time yet"
"yes go tell your brothers and sisters"
"hunter too"
"no let him sleep a little longer okay baby"
"okay momma"
he hops out of my lap and runs upstairs
"you're very lucky that you have those babies"
"i definitely am. it's weird it's like they know when i'm feeling sad and will all comfort me it's the best. i may have problems in my life but too me it's perfect"
