Yogscast Child

Chapter 19

Sam's POV:

Worthless. That's the word I carved into my arm. It was extremely painful, but it made me feel better for the time being. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't. Normally, after cutting, I get a burst of energy. It's almost like I'm on top of the world and not afraid of anything. But this time, it was different.

I felt... hollow. Even though I did feel like I released some of my emotional pain in exchange for physical pain, it wasn't like it used to be. I couldn't tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing. So I cut my other arm, just to see.

There was a lot of blood. But I was used to that. Especially the cleaning up/hiding the scars part of the process. It's strange how accustomed we as humans get to certain things. I know that if there were someone next to me, watching, they would be horrified and disgusted. But it seems so... normal to me. Just another part of my life. 

I didn't feel much on my other arm. Just a bit of pain and stinging. It made me even more confused. But I didn't dwell on it.

Instead of wallowing in self pity, I cleaned up the bathroom and then my room. I hung up a few drawings I had done a while back with Hannah's art stuff. I'll be honest, it was mostly Yog drawings. I also hid the rest of my sweets and crisps from the night before. That way, Lewis couldn't find them.

An hour or two later, I was fairly proud of my productivity. Although, my arms were killing me. I had bandaged them before I started cleaning, and they were doing okay. Just a bit sore.

I regretted it. It was that sudden realization that shook me to the core. I had a family now, who cared about me. I had to look out for myself in order to look after them.

I would do anything for them. Anything to keep them happy. I loved all of the Yogs. Every single one.

The thing is, I've been doing everything the wrong way. By keeping them at a distance, I'm hurting them more than whatever else could possibly happen. You know what they say: It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

So fuck it. Maybe, I'll try being me for a bit. Like, really me. No putting myself down, no cutting, no distancing. No bullshit!

Because they deserve it. Because maybe, just maybe, I deserve it.

**********************

"Yes Hannah! I promise you that I'm fine. It's just so lonely being by myself. I want to come hang with everyone at YogTowers. I don't feel like I've spent much time with some of them, you know?"  I say into the home phone downstairs. 

When Hannah called to check in on me and make sure that I had eaten my lunch (which I did, although I hadn't been hungry), I asked if she could get someone to pick me up and take me to the offices for the remainder of the day. 

"Okay, okay! Of course, I'll send someone to get you. I totally understand how you feel, but I hope you don't feel rushed to meet everyone. After all, there are a lot of us," she replied. 

"No! I'm fine. I just feel like I've estranged myself a bit, you know. I've been thinking a lot and distancing myself just doesn't feel like the right thing to do. I want to be a part of your family... like, wholeheartedly. Not half-in." 

"Sam, you are a part of our family. From the first day we met you, we knew that," I could hear Hannah sniffling into the phone. 

"Well, thank you. I feel like I've been a really shitty family member then," I say jokingly. 

"Damn it Sam! No you haven't! everyone loves you. Lewis and I, Kim, the Hat Guys, Sjin, Sparkles*... everyone loves you. Now stop being a little bitch and get your ass ready to come to YogTowers. I've got some chocolate in my office that I need help eating!" 

I laugh and a real smile blooms on my face. "Okay. I'll be ready soon. Thanks mum," I whisper. 

Hannah's POV:

"God bloody damn it," I say out loud once I've hung up with Sam. My emotions were getting the better of me these past couple of weeks. I don't usually cry much or act like a wimp but Sam was making me feel all kinds of things. 

For instance, pure happiness when she talked about wanting to be a real member of the family. 

Oh, and of course when she called me mum <3

Oh.... You guys are welcome for this gem I found. CAREFUL, BAD LANGUAGE ;)
https://soundcloud.com/cleric-locus/all-curses-that-i-could-be