Repairing the Hurt

Chapter 36

Attention my beloved readers: Chapter 39 had an update error and for a period of time, it was remarkably shorter than it was intended to be. I encourage you to go back to last chapter and make sure you read everything before starting on this chapter. So sorry for the inconvenience, and thank you for your continued support!

♡♡♡

"Victor, please," I beg him, the blood soaking my clothes as I try to keep him with me. My whole body is warm, the blood seeming to permeate even the air around me. "Victor," my voice wobbles, not even truly coherent.

He doesn't say anything. I'm not even sure he's still breathing.

Hands are on my shoulders, and I turn towards the person behind me. "Miss Sorenson," Mr. Blackbourne sits beside me in the chairs adorning the hospital waiting room. He says nothing more, just looks at me.

I look down at my hands covered in dry blood, trying not to think about that moment anymore, but failing.

"Victor, please wake up," I beg again.

"Miss Sorenson," Mr. Blackbourne says again, bringing me back to the present. I vaguely notice my thinking of him as Mr. Blackbourne instead of Owen. Perhaps it's because I need the strong persona of Mr. Blackbourne more than the caring Owen right now to keep me from falling apart.

I hum at him, not wanting to say anything for fear of immediately breaking down. I can't accept that Victor may not wake up, despite how much I've been begging.

He brings his arm around my shoulders and pulls me to him. I rest my head on his shoulder and think. None of the boys have touched me so far, except to pry me off of Victor's dying body. Otherwise they've been silent, sitting apart in the waiting room. Luke's been crying, which of course prompted Gabriel to cry. Luke's sobs tear me apart, and I've been trying to tune them out to save myself from tears. I want to go comfort him but I'm about to loose it myself and then I won't be able to offer him the comfort he needs.

Not my Victor. The one who loses himself in a piano song, looking at me like I'm the only one in the room as he creates beautiful music. Who mistakenly tackled me on Kota's bed when we first met, then subsequently kidnapped me on our trip to the mall. Our first kiss when he sat me on his piano and played the keys behind me before giving up and wrapping his arms around me.

I dare to try my voice, "Right after we recovered after Volto making us sick, we were at Kota's house sleeping over. It started snowing and I could hear it but nobody believed me until Gabriel checked himself. We went outside and threw slushy snowballs at each other. After, Victor asked me to show him how I could hear the snow. I took him to Kota's backyard and held his hands, telling him about how the world seemed to be sleeping, quiet enough you could hear its breath of snow, the almost silent crackle. It wasn't until I was there with him, holding his hands, noticing that everyone else had followed and was trying to listen, that I knew I loved everyone, completely with everything I had. I don't know when I would have figured it out if Victor hadn't asked me to teach him."

"Can you show me?" Victor asked, his fire eyes burning as he brushes his too long hair to the side, adorned with fresh snowflakes.

That was when I knew without a doubt that I could never choose. I loved all of them so much, I couldn't imagine another snowfall without them. I couldn't imagine doing anything without them. And my realizing it in that moment was all because of Victor, and his burning urge to understand how I could hear it, not just simply accepting that I could.

Victor's always the one giving me so much, but knowing that I never need anything he buys me. After every protest, "Just say 'thank you, Victor'."

Thank you. My thanks. How can I thank him for doing this for me? How can I possibly form those words and relay my feelings about what he's done for me. I was supposed to be on the other end of that trajectory, not him. He ran in front of me to save me. And yet I can't imagine a bullet hurting me more than this hurts. The searing pain burning inside my ribs, my diaphragm being pulled down until it's hard to breathe. How can anything hurt worse than this?

"I'd do anything for you, Princess," I hear again.

And I break. I turn my face into Mr. Blackbourne's chest and I fall apart, sobbing so hard I feel my body can't support it. But sobbing isn't enough, I start wailing into Mr. Blackbourne's shirt, my body wracking with each inhale. I can't even consider this breathing.

"Victor, please wake up," I continue to beg, my hands gripping his stomach, not understanding why the blood keeps flowing despite my pressure.

Someone else's hands are on Victor's stomach, checking the placement of mine.

Another pair of hands grips me and begins easing me away, the first set of hands is moving mine away, but I know I need to keep pressure. The hands gripping me at my waist pull me harder and I'm being stripped away from Victor. Someone's leaning over him and doing something, but I can't focus on what that is.

The hands around my waist keep holding me, and I touch my chest, trying to understand how my beating heart is still in my chest. I catch sight of my hands and see only red. Too much red for anyone to survive without for long.

The churning of large blades sound overhead and Victor is being taken away, further into the trees. I break from the hold around me and race after him, meeting him right as he makes it to the clearing I passed through before.

Hands return at my waist and lock around me. I try to break out of the hold but I can't. Victor is being taken away and I have to go with him. His wavy hair is gently blowing in the breeze and that's the only part of him moving. He's still and they're taking him away.

He's never going to move again, goes through my mind. He's never going to play the piano again, or fight with his parents. He'll never sit at his dragon desk and work for the Academy. He'll never buy us frivolous things and insist we just thank him rather than argue. He'll never kiss me again, or hold me in the bathtub when he discovers my insecurities. He'll never listen to the snow with me, protect me from pillow fights, or look at his backwards ticking pocket watch.

As he's taken away, the only thing I'm left with is the smell of berries and moss carried by the wind washing over me.

"I can't," I wail into Mr. Blackbourne's chest again, the pain too much to bear. I can't deal with this pain. I can't think about life without Victor. I can't be okay without him. I can't anything, but continue to feel pain.