Repairing the Hurt

Chapter 5

Three months later

The rocking of the boat is eerily similar to when we were in the shipping container. The sloshing of the waves crashing against the side of the boat one moment, then gently soothing the next. The waves almost matched my mood. Ever changing, but also constant, intense. I'm no longer afraid, but I feel fragile, like I'm coaxing against something big and solid, something I don't want to crack. I also feel like a torrent. I'm fighting and thrashing against something that's invading my space, something I want gone. My emotions seem to be standing on a precipice, and I continually have to pull myself back from falling off the edge and shattering.

I haven't shattered yet. I don't know how, but I haven't. Every time I've come close, I think of Jessica and how if I break, she'll be on her own.

For her credit, she hasn't broken either. I think she knows that if she breaks, there will be nothing left for me to hold on to. I appreciate it, even though I don't acknowledge it.

"Sang?" She calls from under the boards beside me.

"Yes, Jessica?"

She seems to hold her breath for a moment, "Do you think my mom and Kota are still looking for us?" She whispers.

Her question reaches my inner doubts. I know we've been gone for a long time, and a reasonable person would've given up the search, but I can't help hoping the boys weren't reasonable. I want to think they've never stopped looking, but after so much time, it's hard not to have some doubt. I've been gone longer than they've known me. They don't owe me the kind of loyalty a sister would entail. Nevertheless, I didn't want to think they'd just let me go.

"I think your mom and Kota are still looking. I think Mr. Blackbourne, Dr. Green, Gabriel, Victor, Silas, North, Nathan and Luke are all looking," a thought makes me chuckle sadly, "I doubt Kota's slept at all this whole time. He's probably counted to eight trillion by now." My heart aches with the thought of him. His nerdling glasses and easy blush, the love of physics and literature, all of it moves something inside me. Something I haven't allowed to surface for a long time.

Of course thinking of him starts me thinking about the others. Victor and his performances that I loved even though I knew he hated them. It wasn't so much the performance I loved, just the way he played, like nobody was in the room and he was feeling every note. The passion that slipped through his uncaring façade was unavoidable, and made his performances even more special.

Then there was Mr. Blackbourne with his simple elegance. His calculating, piercing gaze that missed nothing. His cold voice that used to intimidate me whenever his family was threatened, but the careful protectiveness he had when it came to me.

I miss North's yelling. I miss his over-protectiveness, and how I could call him whenever I had a nightmare, even his insistence on eating healthy and his refusal to allow Luke and I our small joy of pancakes.

No doubt Luke was still climbing through windows that didn't belong to him. Sneaking into bedrooms and offices, and sneaking chocolate whenever North wasn't looking.

Silas is hopefully still speaking. He's always been quiet, but I hope he's been communicating with the others instead of retreating into himself.

I can't believe it, but I miss Gabriel's groundings, his hatefulness of the clothes I chose, and his beautiful art that made me tear up every time.

I miss Nathan's bed, and how we'd grown accustomed to falling asleep in each other's arms. We had been playing house, and that had made me first start to think about what it would be like to settle down with them.

I really miss playing doctor with Dr. Green. His flirtations and confidence matched nobody's, as did his idea of proposing to me when I turned eighteen. I guess I wouldn't have been too far off from that if I had never left.

My heart squeezes and I feel my eyes burning. I miss them so much. They were my family. They were my everything. And then they were gone.

"Were you ever really dating Kota?" Her question throws me.

"Why are you asking?" I ask gently. This is tricky territory we're heading into.

"I've thought about it a lot," she starts, "They all like you. And you seem to like all of them." I knew she was clever, but I still didn't prepare for this.

"I like Kota, so much," I say, waiting for her response.

"But?"

"I like them all."

She's quiet for a time before finally saying something, "Why isn't Kota enough?"

Her question hurts me. "Kota is more than enough. I love him with everything I have. I just love the others, too," I start at a different angle, "I know it's not...normal. I was confused at first, too. But then I thought about how I felt. I was in too deep to choose. I don't love one more than any other. But I love them all so much."

"So they...share you?" Her question is a valid one.

"That's grossly oversimplifying it. It's more like I'm dating all of them and they know about each other."

"Do they date other girls?"

Oh I wish I could see her face right now.

"No. We've all talked about it at length. They only wanted me, and the whole family dynamic worked with that."

"So do you makeout with all of them?"

I laugh, "Actually, yes. Or, at least with everyone except Mr. Blackbourne." The thought stops my train of thought. Before I had left, I had kissed all of them, Kota being my most recent victory. But never had I grown that close to Mr. Blackbourne. The mere thought of that would've sent a flutter through me, but now, I feel regret. We never got our chance.

"Why do you call him Mr. Blackbourne and not Owen?"

I don't even hesitate, "Because that's what he's comfortable with. It detaches him from the world and he thinks he needs it." I don't know how I missed it when I was with him, but it's all so clear now.

The rocking of the boat is lulling me to sleep. It should only be a couple more days of this before we reach the States.

I clutch the bag of money and hear Jessica dig into the bag of food. Soon we'll be able to eat real food. Soon, we'll be back home.

And with that thought, the boat finishes rocking me to sleep.