DECEIVED (Elites #1) COMPLETED

Deceived 16

I did lose myself.

I lost myself to anxiety that later developed into panic attacks. Kaunting tunog na malakas at nagsisisigaw na ako sa isang sulok ng silid. That was the reason why I have to resume my education at home. Sa utak ko, andun pa rin yung pakiramdam na anumang oras ngayon ay susulpot ang ama nina Skeet at Sting sa harap ko at babarilin ako sa ulo mismo.

The psychiatrist said it was due to trauma. Dahil doon kaya't kailangang habang nag-aaral, nagpapagaling din ako.

I never tried martial arts again. Lahat ng bagay na magpapaalala sa akin, pinilit kong kalimutan. Sabi ng doctor, I have to face those fears and accept the fact that my father is gone.

I say, fuck them all.

Dumating ako sa puntong galit ako sa lahat. Sa mga kapatid ko dahil iniwan nila si papa, sa sarili ko dahil iniwan ko si papa, sa mga tao sa paligid ko dahil pakiramdam ko ay walang kahit isang nakakaintindi sa akin.

Eventually, by the time I turn 20 nabalitaan namin na namatay din ang ama ng mga kapatid ko. That played a vital role in my progress. Nawala ang hysteria, nawala din ang panic attacks.. but sad to say.. dumating ang depression.

My body says everything is alright but my mind screams hopelessness.

My doctor said it was due to late mourning. Mas nauna daw ang utak ko sa ibang bagay kaya nakalimutan nitong magluksa.

By the time that I entered college, the depression was slowly receding again. I found precious people from my batchmates, some eventually becoming my friends. Kung gaano naman katomboy ang galawan ko noong high school, siya ring kaibahan ng galawan ko noong nagcollege.

Admittedly, I gave constant headaches to my brothers. Maya't maya kasi ay may mga manliligaw ako na napapadpad sa bahay. Kuya Daskeet would sometimes ask if I am serious with any of the boys, and I would always say no. So far, my infatuation is all that--- infatuation only. Walang kahit sinong kayang magparamdam sa akin na 'siya na'. No fast beating heartbeat. No excitement. Nothing. Minsan ko na ring inisip na baka pati yung parte na yun ng buhay ko ay may mali.

That was mainly the reason why I would always try and kiss boys, hoping na isa sa mga yun ang tuturo saken kung pano kiligin.

I admit that during my first few years away, everything was dead to me. The former school, my childhood, and.. Kier. Pinilit kong kalimutan ang lahat ng bahagi ng nakaraan dahil wala na rin namang silbi.

Hindi ko na talaga iniisip noon na magkikita pa kami. Or if ever din naman na magkita pa, hindi ko na naisip na may posibilidad pa sa hinaharap.

He could be married now and have children. I'm 25 and he's probably in his late twenties. I have given up on that part of my life. I have accepted the fact too that we are never going to be meant for each other. Isa pa, I wasn't that much of a fixture in his life. Pasulpot-sulpot lang ako kaya imposibleng maalala niya pa ko, diba?

After graduating from college with the highest degree, I opened up to my brothers my desire to become independent.

Kuya Sting was so opposed to the idea while Kuya Daskeet did not say no. Still, he did not say yes too.

Sa kanilang dalawa, mas lamang ang pagiging protective ni Sting. Para siyang jowa na hindi alam ang depinisyon ng limitasyon. Tinatakot niya lahat ng mga manliligaw ko kaya wala rin namang nagtatagal saken. Reason why even if I have a lot of boys, I'm still an innocent. In a lot of things.

Kuya Daskeet on the other hand is the chillax brother. Hindi siya masyadong nangingialam sa paglalandi ko, pero matindi siya pagdating sa studies. Ayaw niyang magbulakbol ako kahit kailan.