Psychoburners

Part 30: One Step at a Time

July 16th, 2017

    Thealarm rang loudly, interrupting the peace and quiet inside the bedroom, where acouple was resting. John turned it off, sighing, and looked at his boyfriend,rubbing the back of his neck. Michael was groaning, changing positions andwanting to feel John was with him by holding his hand.
- Michael?
- Mmmm...
- Come on, we need to get up! We're going to Disneyland, remember? With Jack? And Signe? And Mark and the others?
- I know, I know... I... I just feel exhausted.
- Michael, I ALWAYS feel exhausted when I had been a bottom last night, but I don't try to stay in bed!
- But I know you want to!
- I do. But come on, don't you want to hang out with the guys?
- Fine...
Michael gave up and opened his eyes. He slowly got up, feeling his downer body in pain.
- Man... I always forget how being bottom feels like...
- You'll get used to it.
- By doing it more?
- Pretty much!
John exclaimed, getting up as well and stretching. Michael groaned again and headed to the bathroom first to take a shower; John followed him there to put on his eye contacts. Their gazes met in the mirror.
- Anything wrong?
- No, I'm just surprised you don't want us to shower together and maybe do... You know.
- First things first, I don't want this ALL the time. And second... I'm still in pain.
    Michael closed the curtains, vanishing in the shower, whereas John chuckled and finished putting his contacts on. He looked at himself back in the mirror. His messy blue hair, his black circles under his bright green eyes and his skinny body with the pale skin and the visible veins were there. Existing like always. Reminding him how different he was. Reminding him he was ugly. A monster. A freak. I have to hide this. I have to hide this. I have to hide this...

    Johntook a deep breath and stormed off the bathroom without a single word. Back inthe bedroom, he opened his closet and started looking. Looking for something,anything to hide it. He didn't want the others to see. He kept looking andlooking, until he found his lucky blue sweater. Satisfied, he hid it under therest of the clothes he had chosen the day before and returned to the bathroomright as Michael was leaving it, having a towel around his waist.
- Hey, do you plan to shower too?
- Yeah.
- Okay,go ahead. I'll get dressed and make us coffee before we leave! I'll see ifthere are any leftover cookies too.
- Sounds good.
    Withoutsaying anything else, John put his clothes on the washing machine and enteredthe shower. In less than 15 minutes, he was clean and dressed, heading towardsthe kitchen. He sat down and started drinking coffee made by Michael, who wasstaring at him.
- ...
- Is something the matter?
- Are these the clothes you'll wear?
- Yeah, why? Do you have a problem?
- No, not at all! But... Are you sure you want to wear your lucky sweater? It's REALLY hot today, and we're talking about early morning!
- Michael,why don't you let ME worry about ME (and the hot weather) and YOU worry aboutYOU?
- But-
- I SAID NOT TO WORRY ABOUT ME!
Johnraised his voice, putting his cup down, which echoed inside the kitchen.Michael opened his mouth again, ready to resist John's order, but noticed hisboyfriend's veins to the visible parts of his arms. He closed his mouth andlooked up at John, who was staring at him with anger and fear, a fear thatMichael had seen before. He couldn't fight against it and he knew that well.The only one capable of fighting it was John himself; and obviously, he was tooscared to do so in front of their YouTube friends. He sighed and lowered hishead, giving up.

    Thattopic wasn't mentioned again until they arrived at Disneyland. There, Jack,Signe, Mark, Amy, Kathryn, Tyler and Ethan were waiting for them, ready to havefun. Michael and John soon blended in and had a great time enjoying the ridesand chatting. But later on, by the time the sun was at its zenith, John hadstarted feeling hotter and hotter, sweating more than usual. No matter how muchwater he was drinking (which made him use the bathroom more frequently), hestill had a problem. That day was indeed hot.
    Thecompany stopped at a shadow to rest and John felt better, but not as much as hewould have wanted to. As if things couldn't get worse, his stomach also grumbled,demanding food. Michael, who heard it, suggested to the rest:
- Hey, we're feeling kind of hungry, how about we take something to eat?
- Good idea! But what?
- You have a great question, Ethan... We are close to everything, so I say we split up and take whatever we want! We'll meet again here!
    Everyoneagreed and walked away to different directions, except John, whose conditionwas getting worse, and Michael, who noticed him.
- John? Are you okay? Please tell me! Is it about the... thing we talked about?
- I'm fine, Michael, I just need to rest here. Please go and take food! Whatever you buy, buy for me as well!
- Alright... Stay here. Don't move. Do you have enough water?
- I have plenty of water, now go!
    Michael hesitated, but walked away, leaving John alone with his thoughts.