Fighting for Life | ✓

13 | Am I worth loving?

My mother gasped when she took in Raven's appearance right after opening the door. She fussed around and started asking if she was alright. She told her to sit on the couch while my aunt brought the first aid and helped her clean Raven up.

Both my mother and aunt took care of her as if she was I. As if she was their daughter. They were talking to her so sweetly, calling her 'sweetheart' and 'honey' kind of names.

A pang of jealousy hit me because never once in my life, neither of them called me that, and when I saw them all fussy over Raven, I couldn't help but be a little bit jealous.

I know they love me, but they never show. I need my family to be affectionate with me, even when I will turn eighteen in two months.

Imagine your whole life where not one person around you told you that they love you, not even once. Imagine your five-year-old version getting jealous when she sees her classmate's parent kiss her of the cheek and say that they love her before leaving her to school.

Imagine never once being praised by your parents for doing something good. Imagine the little you, trying to do different things, learn new things because you wanted them to say 'well done' to you. But, they never did. Instead, they put rules on what you can do and what not.

Imagine your whole life trying to fit in your family, but you never could.

Imagine crying to sleep almost every night because you thought your family didn't love or want you with them. Imagine almost trying to kill yourself because you thought you would be doing a favor to your family by killing yourself.

Imagine believing that you are not worth love.

I know that my parents love me, and they care for me, but sometimes, I can't help but feel insecure. I can't help but question if I'm worth love or not.

Maybe I'm not, that's why no one ever told me that they love me.

*

"So, where do you want me to drop you?" I asked Raven as I drove out of my driveway. After my mother made sure she was alright, she asked me to get her home safely.

Who would've known she would talk to a complete stranger as if she knows her for ages and couldn't speak to her own daughter without making her want to get out of their lives?

"Just drop me at the park, I'll go from there," She said

"Are you sure?" I gave her a confused look, but she nodded anyway. So, I dropped her where she told me to.

I decided to drive around a little and enjoy my car and the nightlife (city lights) of Miami. Since it was rare for me to go out at night, this was the sight I wanted to lock in my head. Not that I don't want to, it's just my family doesn't let me out after eight in the evening.

I replay today's event in my mind as I drive past the coast, taking a long way home. I paired with Harvey in PE and learned a new basketball trick. He offered me a ride, which I gladly accepted because I was eager to get home to see my new car, which turned out to be exclusive.

I am surprised they gave me that car. I mean, with the way they gave me instructions and put those rules on how to drive the car, I thought they would give me a family SUV, but they really surprised me with an Audi Rs7.

Then my mother and aunt were acting all weird. I've never seen them behaving the way they did today. That was not them. They wouldn't tolerate hugs and squealing or whatever I did back there at all. I couldn't care less at the moment, but I'm sure they have something stored in the bag. They'll probably ground me or something. Or take my phone or laptop. Or worse, they would probably take the car away from me for days.

I don't know.

Guess I'll know when I reach home.

Then, I found this Raven girl. She was all bruised, and with torn clothes, I would think that someone beat her or something, or she was a homeless girl. But I'm no one to judge, I don't know the whole story. So, I'll just leave it to that.

And seeing the way my mother acted around her as if she was her daughter. As if she cared for her deeply. But she was never like that around me. She never told me she cares for me or she loves me. But her actions do tell me, she doesn't show any affection or anything, but I know.

I just know it.

When I reached back to my house, I saw my father's and my uncle's cars in the driveway. I parked the car, and hesitantly opened the door and entered to see all of them watching a show on TV.

I silently tried to get in the kitchen without making noise and making them angry, I drank a full glass of water before going out. I sat between my uncle and father, thanking them both for the car.

They just nodded and didn't ask me any questions. I was grateful for that. And I hope my mother or aunt doesn't bring up Raven, or today's events.

I was tense all the time there between my family watch some show that didn't make sense to me. I was afraid someone will snap and will punish for today. For how I acted when I saw the car, for when I brought Raven home and for coming late.

But it never happened.

Finally, my uncle dismissed us, and I rushed back to my room. I let out a relieved sigh.

As soon as I flopped down on my bed, a peaceful sleep swept me away.

Only to be woken up after a few hours.

* * *

mornings are nice too. real peaceful, trust me.