Rose #9//Lil Peep

#43: Voice

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Silence, that's what we sat in and not once did I look at him. The fear of sharing an expression scared me, it felt like I did wrong and he was agreeing, being that he hadn't said a word. The only outlet I had was the sound of Amanda talking to Damien, her head on his shoulder and their hands intertwined.

You could say it was an envious sight to see... Not that I wanted to be doing that, I just— I'm sure you understand if you are, in a way, like me.

But God I hope you aren't.

Acknowledging the rattling of the train didn't help either, instead it ignited all the reasons to leave (which I couldn't do, obviously.) Internally, I was on the verge of crying, as in I felt so humiliated by what I done that I just wanted to disappear. If only he could just give a sign that he wasn't uncomfortable, all this spinning in my head would—

And that's when he placed his head against my shoulder. All so casually and I was so caught off guard that I flinched, grabbing onto the arm rest with all the strength I had as my stomach also flipped.

Very quickly, the tension in my spine and all the other muscles released into a subtle stroke of movement. His act even caught the attention of Amanda, who looked over, mouthing the words 'oh my god'.

Hesitantly, I looked away with a blunt expression. In the minutes that followed, my eyes fixated on the seat in front of me once more, as I tugged on my sleeves to channel all the nerves that were building up.

The last thing I wanted was to make a sudden movement because if I did, he'd fall under the impression that I wasn't comfortable. I mean, I am getting to that point (physically speaking) but I felt if I were to move, he'd take it the wrong way. But rather in fact, his head on my shoulder was reassuring... I'm guessing he also remembered the whole 'heartbeat' thing was from the time we were kids.

Occasionally though, I glanced out the window, especially when we passed patches of water.

It was at each stop, he shifted in his seat but still his head remained where it laid. Oddly enough, I was curious and took a glimpse downward, seeing that his eyes were closed.

"Next stop, Station Plaza," said a robotic voice over the intercom, and initially it woke Gus up. Taking his head off my shoulder, he sat up and grabbed for his board, he sighed and commented on how he felt, "I'm tired as hell."

There was a discomfort I felt after hearing his word choice but there was hardly anything I could do but show it through my expression.

Slowly, the train came to a stop, allowing us to get out of our seats. Quickly, I grabbed onto Amanda's arm and yanked her to the side, "What time do you think we'll be back home?"

All smiles, she was clearly not afraid of anything. "I don't know, just try not to worry so much."

I couldn't tame my eye roll, "If something happens, or if we somehow separate, or if one of us lose our phones, meet me back here."

"Relax! Don't assume the worst, it's not healthy! Now come on, the boys got off."

Taking my hand, she led us out the train and there she went, leaving me with Gus as she wrapped her arms around Damien's waist. Trailing behind them, the silence was now getting awkward and finally my mind felt clear enough to apologize,