Rose #9//Lil Peep

#58: Linear

August 1st 2013

At the end of summer, I came back to Long Beach—

It was a gray sky as per-usual and everything looked just as I left it. Yes, I grew in age and my face had matured— however, when I look into the mirror (specifically, the one in my bathroom) I'm faced with a blatant reality, as the sound of water drips from the shower.

It's a Friday and those days are busy.

First, I go to Dr. Matthews and I'm feeling apprehensive about what he might say. Immediately, I force myself to think elsewhere— like reminding myself to pick up Ms. Almara's son from a surfing class. It's about the only thing that makes me feel responsible, like I'm not just some rich mindless teenager.

Again, I pivot (before I self deprecate myself)... to the closet and pull out the swim bag I prepared the night before and set it on the edge of my bed. With wet hair, I approach the full body mirror and braid it to the side. Faintly, you can hear my mom walking across the floor boards.

If it matters, she hasn't left the house in days (with the exception of church.) Rather, she sleeps a lot and her office is dust and no one is allowed in. We hardly talk but on the plus side, she bought me a car, it's a black BMW.

The M3 series and looks pretty on cloudy days. Like today.

--

"When was your last period?"

I answer truthfully, "About six months ago."

Dr. Matthews didn't look up, his eyes were fixated on my folder. By his expression, I could tell he's tense. Eventually, he breaks into frustration, "I don't like that your doctor in Connecticut had you on this supplement."

He paused before continuing, "Maybe at an older age but right now, you're too young." Again, he thought some more, "Are you running like we discussed?"

If only swimming laps were enough.

"Yes."

In which, I skip occasionally, "I'm running two miles, everyday."

"Like I said last week, with that much cardio, maybe you'll ovulate regularly— clearly, these pills aren't helping, have you told your mother about these things?" he added with concern.

I nodded, "She knows."

"I would like you to come in with her next week just so I can explain how serious this is— for now, I want you to discontinue these menstrual pills and stay running, are we at an understanding?"

Taking it for what it is, I thanked him before departing.

Outside the hospital, I called Ms. Almara's son who immediately picked up, "Amelia!"

When the call ended, we decided on grabbing some food and dropping off his girlfriend. It's amazing how time flies and yet so tragic... being that he was just a boy, asking help for with his homework, now he's at that age— an age that subconsciously drove me in a certain direction. Along the way, it began to sprinkle and although my mom told me to keep the windows up, I had all four down, allowing the water and humidity in. Also, my anticipation was growing with each turn and stop, until finally—

The pawn shop looked no different and in that very moment— time stopped.

Vividly, I could see us running out and just as quick, a honk reminded me that time... wasn't linear. It was so unfair that I started to cry as I turned to the left.

In fact, what he did that made me cry took place on this very day, two years ago:

Constantly, I was reminded of Gus. Especially when I saw my cousin's rose necklace, everyday. Finally, I had enough and decided to ask her.

"Janette?"

She momentarily looked up from her phone, "Yeah?"

"Can I use your phone? It will only be for a second."

She scrunched her brows, and held her chin up. "I was told you can't be in contact with anyone from Long Beach?"

I had no response but also she's one to negotiate. "If I let you, you have to do my chores for a week."

As to me, I didn't care and it didn't take a second for me to agree. "Okay, fine."

Sliding her phone over, she gave me a time limit. "Be back in fifteen minutes."

Quickly, I took it and left the study room for the upstairs bathroom. Locking the door behind me, I quickly opened the Facebook app, being that it was my only form of contact with the outside world. I was so eager— so eager to see Gus that was until I saw a picture that made my heart sink. Emma had tagged him and her lips were on his cheek but they were so close to his lips.

I was hurt, so hurt that I hadn't open that account ever since— nor did I think of him, unitl a few days ago when I saw a friend of his. You can say the memories of Gus had been creeping up on me.

In short, Long Beach is Gus to  me.

--

The whistle forced me to go, to move as fast as I could. From the sidelines, the hollers turned to muffles with each stoke- then flip, back to where I started, allowing the teammate I'm partnered with to go.

It's a race but I'm not competitive. Nonetheless, we usually came out with scores that bought in college scouts, and when looking to my teammates, I could tell who took this sport seriously. However, I'm not one of them.

Nonetheless, after the meet I'm introduced to a scout.

"Hi, Amelia. We're with Connecticut College, how are you?"

The lady sternly shook my hand as the guy behind her stood with his arms crossed against his chest.

"Good," I choked, feeling myself tense up.

"You're an amazing swimmer!" The guy in the back had charged in, holding out his hand for me to shake. Mind that my coach was standing off to the side, watching this hopeless interaction.

In response, there was a lot of hesitation in my voice. "Uh- thank you."

"For a swimmer like you, you should have more confidence than that!"

Rather I panicked. In fact, my future was already predetermined and there way no way out of it. However, while standing at my car after that interaction, a voice came from behind, giving all the hope I needed. Like my future could possibly change because of him.

"Hey."

It was Gus with a rose, and for that very moment, time was linear. So linear.

🐥