Rose #9//Lil Peep

#61: Without Gus

November 22nd 2013

"Make sure you buy some flowers for the house."

My mom's words pierces the morning air and I'm leaving for school. The sky is somewhat brighter than most days.

"Amelia!"

As I open my car door, I look up. She's staring back— her blue eyes glistening against mine.

"Tulips." She adds and I nod my head before getting into my car. As I pull on my seat belt she's still watching and it's an odd feeling. Even as I start the engine and back out the driveway and before I could even think it out, I concluded she's a stranger I've known my whole life.

Subconscious stuff like that has been happening recently— and I cannot stop it. Even now— I'm pressing on the gas pedal and everything is in motion.

My eyes look out for Gus— it's been three days since I've kissed him. He said he'd be waiting somewhere on my street— and there's no sign of him.

I can never tell with him— and that's something I've learned to deal with. In a sense— he's exactly what I've been used to my whole life. And there he is— at the curb. Waiting with the hugest smile on his face.

I'm dealt with uncertain people like him.

He opens my passenger door and hops right in. He's energetic, fun, and leans in— before I could even process it, he places his lips on mine.

My eyes squeeze shut— my foot presses into the brake. How can I feel so much electric coursing through me? Is that even what I'm feeling? I just know his lips felt strangely good until I felt his tongue shove in.

Quickly, I pull back— hitting my back against my seat. The back of my hand wipes the corner of my lip and there's no control over the discomfort building up inside me.

Gus laughs it off, placing a kiss at the point of my shoulder. How could he just do these things? But then again, I'm the one who threw myself at him in the parking lot three days ago.

And as if it didn't happen, I placed my hands on the wheel and drove us toward the stop sign. I could feel him staring over— even as we came to a stop.

"Look—your face is so red."

His words are knives and he's poking his index right through my cheek. Why was I fuming mad? But I was— pushing his hand away, "Don't!"

Still— he reaches over. My foot lifts off the pedal causing us to move forward. My reaction is quick, forcefully placing my foot back on the brake. It causes a tension, I could feel it. But I couldn't look at him.

The drive turns silent and we're turning down another street, passing houses until we reach the main road. The morning traffic is flowing right through and Gus levers down his seat, turning on his side away from me.

I wanted to apologize but my focus was on the cars going by and when I'm able to merge in. This continues on the way to his school and as we enter a line of cars making their way through the school fence.

"Gus, we're here."

I motion my head towards him— he's sleeping.