My Personal Virus (A BEN Drowned x Reader fanfic)

A Diguise to Create A Fool

(You)

It's not bad to feel alive, it wasn't my fault to be alive. My feelings were always based out of someone, I feel and act depending on who, I choose who to smile to. But I have nobody to smile to, I have nobody to feel alive with because everybody is gone. They left me to yearn for something they have caused, it was painful. That person that made you feel great left you leaving you feeling worse than you could imagine. Those late nights were you're too tired to even fall asleep, thoughts were always my caffeine. So lethal and true it could leave a hole in your heart, at least they don't leave you. They'll always be in your head, talking or screaming, thoughts can be a deadly weapon.

But things don't last forever, the rain will stop, sunshine will always be there waiting. I've thought and expected for this to happen yet it feels different when it actually happens, I dislike losing chances so if I have an opportunity, I might as well do everything I could. Helen was back for me, it made my heart flutter. I never thought he would still care for me, he cared for me to the point where he would break rules and ignore the danger. That one visit turned out to be more than seldom, he kept me in company like before, he brought my own smile back to my face. I was glad yet hesitant if I should keep going, I mean, every time good things happen there's always something terrible trailing behind. I had to be happy but cautious, which was hard for me to balance since happiness could be overwhelming.

Days passed this way without the crimson eyed elf around, it made me anxious for his return but every time the raven-haired male would come back, he managed to make me forget that I was miserable. It would always be past midnight where we would talk, laugh and cuddle close to each other. I didn't mind being more close to him than before, I liked his attention anyways. Helen didn't fail to make me feel better, he never failed to disappoint me, he was successful upon returning the tingling sensation of joy back inside of me. The time has passed as feelings became more powerfull and developing, there are times when I'm alone with my not so much dangerous thoughts. They talked to me and said something out of the blue.

Are you in love with Helen?

It was a silly thought at first until I was proven wrong. I observed my own movements. Linking of hands, unavoidable eye contact, clingy actions. God, it made me scream at myself, it's either out of happiness or frustration. Each moment and hour I would crave for his presence, it was now considered normal since I'm always left alone almost half of the day, but that craving was more than I thought. I couldn't describe it properly but damn it scared me. The nights I would sleep beside him and wake up the next morning with him gone drove me crazy, I honestly wanted more but I wasn't sure if I deserved it.

I don't know what month or year it is, here I was again, waiting for his return. The night was chilly unlike yesterday, my thoughts were whispering impatiently at me. I would take several glances on the door only to be finding and expecting nothing, it wasn't midnight...yet. I had my familiar doubts on my side, telling me things I should ignore.

What if he stopped visiting you? What would you do?

What if BEN finds out?

What if BEN returned?

I shivered, I couldn't help but agree with my thoughts, it was possible anyway. It made me terrified, I never wanted to be back to the lonely and miserable [Name], I wanted more. Sooner my thoughts were torturing me, speaking of things that scared me the most, I hated it. I closed my eyes shut and winced, it was all too much. Suddenly my mind went blank upon hearing the door shut, I instantly opened my eyes as it landed on the small clock on the nightstand. I raised a brow, it was still far from midnight. I waited for the familiar pair of hands wrapping around me like it would always do, but there's nothing. My heart started skipping beats, I gripped the sheets trying my best not to panic. It wasn't Helen, and there's a huge chance that it would be BEN. Shit, I'm too anxious to turn around, but I had to. Once my head turned it only paralyzed me, I could be dreaming or hallucinating or anything that is bound to not be real. Face to face, my eyes stared at the incredibly familiar ocean blue eyes, it stared back so calmly like before. I broke eye contact and prevented myself from crying.