Love Is Not The Enemy

HE IS STILL OUT THERE

Shannon's PoV

For the third night in a row, I sit in my window sill and wait for Cari to walk by my window to make sure she is home, before I can go to sleep. I have already been sitting here for a while and it is already pretty dark outside, dark enough for a few starts to have shown up in the sky and for me to start growing worried. Just like the two past days, Cari had left school with Ryan. She met up with me as usual after her last class, her second music class of the day, just to tell me, yet again, that she was going over to Ryan's place to make sure their music video was ready for Friday.

But the two past days, Cari was home by the time the starts reached the sky. The two days before she had already waved at me and blown me a kiss by the time the sun started settling and she was on the phone with me by the time the first star reached the sky. But tonight she had yet to make her appearance. The last time I heard anything from her was at school before she ran down the street to catch up with Ryan, who had already walked a few meters ahead of her, leaving me behind by the school's exit.

Since we walked to school together this morning, I have wondered if she actually remembers what day tomorrow is. It doesn't really seem like she does. Usually, today is a day I spend with her. Ever since we were nine, she had spent both today and tomorrow with me. We never question it. It has just become a thing we do. But obviously not this year.

Don't get me wrong. I understand there's a lot going on right now with her project. I understand she needs to get everything done and that her deadline is approaching faster than she might have expected it to. With both a video to make and a song to rehearse, I do understand that. Especially, when I know how nervous she was when she sung just in front of me. Having the entire school be her audience this time, certainly can't help those nerves.

But at the same time, my selfishness shone through when she left me standing in front of the school by myself for the third day in a row, when I had expected today to be our day, just like it always is. The two days prior I didn't have any expectations, so her having made other plans didn't phase me too much. But today it did. And the fact that she had yet to walk passed my window doesn't really help, as adding worry, slight fear even, to disappointment surely isn't a mix anyone appreciates great amounts of.

I sigh lightly to myself as yet another star makes its appearance in the sky, followed by a tear running down my still healing cheek, sending a stinging sensation through me. I shut my eyes closed at the feeling as I trap my bottom lip between my teeth to keep it from trembling. Spending today alone with only my own thoughts and memories to keep me company isn't an experience I want another one of. Especially not when all the memories I can remember are the ones I would rather forget and exchange with memories I can't seem to remember anymore. The memories I forgot at the age of nine. The memories I don't think I'll ever get back, not even when I'm able to take that one step forward I need to reach what I am currently unable to grab a hold of without my arms magically growing an inch or two.

I open my eyes again when the stinging sensation caused by warm tears trickling down my cheeks causes them to go numb, only to be met with more starts littering the sky above me, but no Cari in sight. I carefully lift my feet onto the window sill and pull my knees up to my chest, gently wrapping my arms around them. Cari had forgotten about the day of my mother's confession of where my father had spent his days when she understood he was close to losing his battle, because Cari's mind had been elsewhere. So the possibility of her not remembering the worst day of them all, when all she really is focused on, justifiably so, is her project with Ryan, in which is due in only two days, is bigger than I wish it was.

But what her absence also can be due to, is myself. I know my behavior towards her haven't been the best lately, and I hate myself for the inexcusable way I've treated my girlfriend – my best friend. Even with the time of the year it currently is, there are no excuses for how I've been acting towards her. I know I shouldn't expect her to stay around when all I do is lash out on her for the littlest comment being made of the truth of a situation I'm still living in denial of. She walks on eggshells around me, I know she is. My expectations are unrealistic as long as I keep up with how things are right now. I should know that. But my selfishness won't admit that.

I tilt my head back as I pull the sleeves of a hoodie I'm quite certain is Cari's, over my hands. Then, as I free my lip from between my teeth, letting it tremble on it's own accord, in tact with my jaw. I slowly move my covered hands up to cover my eyes, disregarding the numb, burning sensation the heels of my hands cause as they rub against my healing wounds, as pictures of tomorrow, many years back, run across the back of my eyelids.

Only when the voice I have been missing all day enters my senses, does the pictures get put on hold and both my bottom lip and my jaw stills as it fills my ears, "Do you know what my brother used to tell me?"

I shake my head softly, feeling another set of tears build up behind my closed lids at the thought of her just being here, even this late. After having my own expectations of her spending today with me, like she always does – having her here – broken, and after drowning myself in the disappointment of said broken expectation, just made her appearance all the more appreciated.

"He used to always tell me how the starts are all the people living on earth. Everyone has their own star. It appears the day you're born and stays even after your leave earth." Cari speaks softly as she gently takes a hold of my hands and moves them away from my face, only to give my new round of tears an opportunity to seep through my closed lids.

"Oh." I whisper softly, before slowly opening my eyes, meeting a blurry version of the girl I've been missing all day, smiling softly at me as she lifts her hand up to gently wipe at me cheeks.

Cari nods softly and gently cups my jaw to turn my head up towards the sky. "Which means he's still out there," she smiles lightly as she removes her hand from my face and grabs something from the window sill I know I haven't been the one to put there. "You just have to find him."

I turn back towards her, just in time to watch her gently grab onto my chin as she reaches her other hand up to my cheek, smiling softly at me before touching the healing wounds there to rub the cold cream she had sat in the window sill, into my currently stinging skin. "Where do you think he is?" I mumble hoarsely to distract myself from the sensation it caused, unable to keep my lips from curling up slightly as our eyes lock, her warm brown eyes warming my chest.

Cari keeps silent as she rubs both my cheeks in, before wiping her hands off on her jeans and putting the cream aside. "Which star is the one shining the brightest?" She asks softly as she reaches up to take my hand in her own, squeezing it gently as she moves her eyes to the sky above us.

I follow her gaze and look up at the sky, immediately pointing out the brightest star that catches my eye, "that one."

"That's him," Cari whispers and turns to meet my gaze again.

"Yeah?" I ask in the same tone of voice as I lift my free hand up to gently touch her cheek, tracing the warm skin with my fingertips for a moment, before carefully settling my hand against her cheek.

Cari just nods and lets herself be pulled closer by my hand, putting her free hand down at my hip to steady herself.

"Thank you," I whisper softly, willing the tears slowly appearing behind by eyes, to stay there as I close them and lean forward to close the distance left between Cari and I, gently closing my lips around her bottom one.

"I love you," Cari whispers softly as she pulls back, squeezing my hip lightly before letting go of it.

"I love you, too," I whisper back as I move my hand from her cheek, quickly wrapping my arm back around my knees.

Cari smiles softly at me as she lets go of my hand as well, "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

I just nod lightly at that and let a small smile pull at the sides of my mouth as she lifts her hand up to gently touch her own lips with her thumb, then runs it over my bottom lip afterwards. Without another word, Cari walks over to my door and waves at me with a small smile. I pull my knees closer to my chest and lean my chin down on top of them as I lift my hand to wave back at her, watching her as she slowly leave through the door, closing it gently behind her.

I turn my head towards my window again, watching the street underneath me until Cari enters my vision, waving up at me with a gentle smile on her face. Again, I wave back at her, before watching her disappear behind yet another door, leaving me alone yet again. Though, this time with a small smile on my face and with the knowledge of her actually remembering. Which I really should have known. Cari always remembers. Even when I snap at her for nothing, she still willingly remembers what she knows is important to me and she's still here. In the end, she's always still here.

And so is my dad. Somewhere out there, I tell myself as I lift my gaze up towards his star, somewhere out there he'll always be.