Love Is Not The Enemy

AWAY FROM ME?

Shannon's PoV

"Up so early?" my mom asks when I walk into the kitchen.

I tried to be out of the door early yesterday, so I didn't have to walk with Cari, but she saw me. So, today I'm up even earlier. It wasn't that hard to be up early, considering the fact I really haven't gotten any sleep. It's impossible to sleep when my thoughts are keeping me awake. I keep overthinking everything in my life, thinking back to how everything was and how things changed so fast. I keep thinking about Cari, her smile, her eyes, her hair, the image of her is stuck inside my head. But the worst out of all of these thoughts, the thought that keeps me awake, the thought that makes me disgusted by myself, makes me hate myself – the kiss. The feelings I got when she kissed me, the way her lips were pressed against mine, how soft they were, keeps me awake. My body craves for those feelings, I crave for her lips, her touch and I hate it. It won't stop, it won't go away and since the kiss, I can't look at Cari the same way anymore.

I am not disgusted by her, I don't hate her, quite the opposite actually. Every time I think about her, I get these tingles in my stomach, I had them before too, but they are way more intense. My heart speeds up and I can't help the smile that forms on my lips. Every time I see her, her eyes and her lips, it feels like my heart is about to explode. The intense tingles turn into fireworks, taking over every inch of my body and all I want to do is capture her lips with my own. That's what keeps me awake, that's what disgusts me, what keeps me hate myself. It scares me shitless. That's why I try to keep my distance, because I know what these feelings means, and it disgusts me. If anyone ever finds out about these feelings, they're going to be disgusted by me, they're going to hate me. Therefore, I have to make them go away and I can't do that if Cari is around me all the time, so I have to keep a distance.

"Yep" I answer and grab my lunch from the kitchen counter, "I'm actually going now."

"What about Cari?" she asks and follows me out of the kitchen, "Aren't you supposed to wait for her?"

"She's sick" I lie and throw my backpack over my shoulders.

"Today too?" She asks and rises her eyebrow.

I told her that yesterday too. I may have to improve my lies.

"Yes" I say and open the front door.

"Are you going to visit her after school, then?" she asks with a smile.

"Maybe, I don't know" I tell her in an annoyed voice.

"You always do when she's sick, why not now?" she asks, making something inside of snap.

I step outside and turn my face her way, "Maybe she doesn't want me there" I shout and slam the door in her face.

I sigh angrily and close my eyes. I inhale deeply, trying to breathe away the anger filling up my body. I breathe out and the anger turns into frustration. Frustration fills up my body, every cell in my body, making me feel empty inside. My body is full of frustration, but still, I feel empty. I look around me, taking in my surroundings. Everything around me seems empty. There is no one on the street and the houses around me looks abandoned. Everything I lay my eyes on gets a little darker the second it meets my gaze.

It's still dark outside and it's starting to get a little colder every morning, but it's October, the winter is coming. It's like the weather reflects how I am, how I feel. It gets colder and colder, and darker and darker for each day that passes, the night gets longer and darker, the sun is up for shorter and shorter amounts of time, and I get no sleep. Every night feels longer and longer and my thoughts get darker and deeper for each night that passes. The sun inside me, my happiness, shows itself less and less. My thoughts are eating me alive.