Love Is Not The Enemy

FOREVER AND ALWAYS

Cari's PoV

I look around the breakfast table, wondering how many Christmases I've spent like this, with both mine and Shannon's family. Everyone around the table is smiling, laughing, talking or stuffing their mouths full of anything they could find in front of them. This year is a little different, though, a good different. Bobby has his girlfriend here for the first time and his happiness radiates from his eyes. I have never seen my brother look at a girl, or anyone for the matter, the way he looks at Becca. It's like he's looking at something he didn't believe actually existed but ended up finding. Like she's some shiny diamond he treasures dearly, or the highest prized piece of art in a gallery.

But it's not just Bobby who probably is experiencing his happiest Christmas so far, I am, too. I know I have spent Christmas with Shannon since before I can even remember, but it's different this year. This year I'm spending Christmas with my girlfriend, who just happens to be my childhood best friend. I can't remember ever loving anyone more than I love Shannon, and I don't mean the in-love type of love, because Shannon is the only one I've ever been in love with, but just love in general. I don't think I have the amount of love I have for Shannon, for anyone else in my life. And I know I should never even think the thoughts I do right now, but if I ever had to choose between Shannon and anything in the world, and I mean anything, even my family, I would have chosen my girlfriend. I know that if my family, which I know it isn't, but if it was against my relationship with my girlfriend, I would have dropped them in the matter of seconds, which I know sounds stupid or irrational, but that's just how I feel.

I look up at my girlfriend, snapped out of my thoughts by her hand on my thigh. I smile slightly and place my hand on top of hers, pushing my fingers between hers and lock them securely. I look back toward my brother and his girlfriend and see Becca smiling at me, then shift her gaze over at my girlfriend and gives her the same smile.

Becca and Bobby's hands are laying intertwined on the table between them, making me sight slightly. I wish I could just take Shannon's hand and proudly place them on the table, between us, just like my brother can with his girlfriend. Which I would do, hadn't it been for my insecurities. I'm still scared of popping the bubble Shannon and I have created over the past few months. I'm scared of what my dad would think, who is the only one in my family I haven't told yet. I'm scared of letting people in and let their thoughts or beliefs possibly get in between Shannon and I, because even though I am sure of my feelings towards my girlfriend, I know I can only take that much judgmental statements before it gets too much. I need more time to get a hundred percent comfortable and confident with who I am, to be able to take shit from other people regarding my sexuality and my relationship and be able to look past it or stand up for myself, and Shannon, if needed. I need time to let go of my insecurities.

Which reminds me of Shannon's break down in the car only a couple days ago. I know she still blames most of our hiding on herself. I hate the fact that she feels like she's the reason why we're still keeping our relationship a secret to most people. I know it's just as much me and that I am dealing with the same thoughts and insecurities as she is. I don't want her to feel pressured to come out to anyone about herself or our relationship. She's not ready for everything that comes with coming out, and neither am I.

"Cari?" my dad snaps me out of my train of thoughts, with a soft voice.

I look up at him and feel Shannon squeeze my hand lightly, "I asked you if you're okay?"

I nod at my dad, "Of course, I was just thinking."

"Okay" he nods and smiles.

My eyes meet Becca's who lifts her eyebrow at me, silently asking if I really am okay. I look down at mine and Shannon's hands in my lap and shrug slightly, then look back up at her. She gives me a sad smile and looks around the table, then back at me, nodding her head towards the hallway. I nod slightly and turn towards Shannon who looks worried. I give her a small smile to let her know not to worry and give her hand a light squeeze before letting go.