Love Is Not The Enemy

GIRLFRIENDS OR NOT, WE'LL ALWAYS BE BEST FRIENDS

Shannon's PoV

I didn't think dread was the first feeling that would consume me once the date was set, regret following right behind as some sort of bug creeping up my spine, slowly but surely digging through the last amount of excitement I had left. The excitement that had, over the last few weeks, filled my entire body, but that now, for some reason, left.

After having told Amy both about my relationship with Cari and about the wonderful, not so wonderful anymore, idea she had come up with, things were becoming slightly easier for me. It had become easier to accept myself and be some sort of proud of it. While still being afraid of people's opinions, my opinions of myself were starting to turn slightly more positive. More optimistic. Almost everyone who now knows about the relationship has been nothing but supportive, of course Kevin being the 'almost', which also has made it easier to accept myself.

Cari has, over the last few weeks, been so happy. Always holding my hand in the hallways, pressing a kiss to my cheek here and there, which I happily return, while filling me in on ever little detail of what she and Ryan had planned so far. She had told me how her "speech is still a bit of a struggle, to be honest" but that after spending a few evenings at Ryan's place, one of which I had joined, "the song is finally recorded and everything is ready to start filming."

Which is when the dread slowly started seeping through the layer of excitement. Everything was ready to start filming the music video, meaning the date of coming out to the entire school was coming closer. What had seemed to be so far away, is now right around the corner. Even though Vanessa's best friend's arrival had been some sort of a distraction, I can't deny the regret that slowly started filling my veins.

As nice as the girl, Amy, is, she doesn't really distract me anymore, when Cari, earlier today told me that "finally it's time to start" and that tonight is going to be the first day we would film. Even though I had known for so long that this day was coming, and had agreed to it, I obviously isn't as excited as my body had fooled me into thinking I was ever since I agreed to this.

Now, sitting around the dinner table, letting the silence, as well as dread and regret, consume me, images of every bad outcome of showing this video starts playing on slide show on the forefront of my mind. Starting a process of creating all sorts of excuses I could tell Cari for why I could no longer film the video. Why what seemed as, to both she and I, a good idea, doesn't so much anymore. Why I suddenly don't want to expose our love. Why breaking her heart seems like the better idea now. Because that is surely what it feels like I'm trying to find excuses to do.

Every rational thought in my mind seems to be fogged over by fear. Fear I thought had subsided enough to actually keep my promise to Cari of being ready when the day was finally here. Something that now doesn't seem that very realistic anymore. The haunting images of what this video could possibly result in makes rational thoughts hard to keep, letting irrationality come through with little to no fight needed to do so, while fighting it off again seems nearly impossible.

But what also seems to be engraved in my mind, is the smile Cari had given me while telling me about how we could finally film today. How excited she had looked and how her smile set of some kind of rush only Cari could within me. That seems to, right now, be the only reason I still consider following though. The smile I really don't want to be the reason for the loss of. Much rather the opposite. I want to be the reason for such a radiant smile as hers. The only reason for it. Which is why I haven't given in to one of the many excuses my brain has come up with since leaving school yet.

I sigh and look down at the, still, untouched plate in front of me, while trying to fight off the irrationality, even though it starts to seem more rational than what my rationality has in a while.