Love Is Not The Enemy

STOP SAYING YOU'RE SORRY

Cari's PoV

"This has to be the first time you two aren't late when we're all meeting up like this." Meghan remarks with a small laugh as we all sit down in the sand around the bonfire Ryan told Shannon and I about last night.

"Yeah, well," Shannon looks over at me with a small smile and reaches for my hand, not even bothering to hide our hands once our fingers are laced securely, deciding to hold them in her lap instead, "we all walked here together."

I turn towards her and try to suppress the smile that tries to push through, "What are you doing?"

Shannon lifts up our hands as to show them to me with an adorable grin forming on her mouth, "Just holding my girlfriend's hand."

Although we are both whispering, I have to admit her statement filled my body with a sudden rush of nerves, causing me to look around at all the people surrounding us, almost on default. Which, actually, when I think about it, doesn't really surprise me, seeing as we have kept our relationship hidden for as long as we have. But holding hands was something we always did before either of us realized our feelings or even developed anything past platonic feelings for the other, so really it shouldn't feel like I'm suddenly doing something I'm not supposed to do.

I didn't think, last night, that coming out willingly, by actually deciding to voice the words because it was my choice to do so, rather that feeling forced to, would cause any other emotions than joy. But, at the same time, our relationship is something I've used so much energy to keep a secret, as to not burst the rather blissful bubble we have created for ourselves over the past few months that we've given into the emotions causing our hearts to pump blood around our veins faster that any marathon could. Surely, Shannon is the reason I smile so widely every day, which is and has been something I want to share with everyone I could ever lay my eyes on, but now, something seems to be holding me back from doing so.

It's like the feelings that once made me want to hide what I feel for Shannon, another girl, rush right back with only the thought of consciously deciding to open my mouth and come out with it all willingly. Like, when it is now turned into a choice I actually can and have to make, something holds me back. And I know so perfectly well what it is as it slowly but surely fills my body. The intense and antagonizing fear I first felt when I realized what the overwhelming emotions Shannon filled me with meant, the fear I thought I was over, suddenly comes rushing back and all I really want to do is creep into Shannon's arms and cry, then tell her we should probably wait just a little longer; wait for the right time.

But then, does that really exist; a right time. If I don't do this now, like Shannon had told me yesterday night she was finally ready to do, just like I had wanted to, then when? When will be the right time?

But at the same time, coming out is now my decision, which gives me the choice to back out as well.

My feet quickly fall back down on earth when Shannon's grip on my hand loosens, followed by her head turning away from me and slightly more hesitation in her voice as she spoke, "If that's okay, though."

I silently stare at her hand as she pulls it out of mine, leaving my hand in her lap alone without the comforting warmth of hers. I swallow deeply and look up at her face, feeling my heart drop at the hurt expression she's wearing while staring down at her feet. I could hear the murmurs of our friends' conversation flowing easily around us, not the slightest bit aware of the conflicted thoughts and emotions currently spinning around in my head.

Carefully I let my hand drop from her lap and use it to envelope my legs as I pull my knees up into my chest. On one hand, this was exactly what I wanted, what I had argued to get. I wanted to have Shannon the way I should in a relationship, an open one, that is. But when I got a chance to get just that, I feel like throwing it away. I thought I was ready for this, hence the music video I managed to convince Shannon to participate in. And I still think I am. Sort of. But when Shannon finally gave me the green light, mine seems to have turned yellow. When she finally let go and let hers turn green, mine went yellow.