The Sparks Within

His Sunshine In Rainy Days

"His arms will hold my fears, but he won't carry the load; as it is my lesson to love myself, and find my own sense of hope. When we cross our paths, our knowledge will last the test; as patience fills the air and our burdens are put to rest. I will honor my truth, and seek what I desire; everlasting love and passion set on fire"

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Zulai

Here we are again, I and a melancholic sun that struggles to rise. The yellow dot wasn't yet upon the horizon, but it spread a soft light across the thick, grey sky. I didn't say a word, afraid that my voice will scare away the sun

I am sitting quietly enjoying my moment of solitude, having an honest conversation with my inner thoughts. I am learning to appreciate my own company, I wasn't afraid anymore. Lamido suddenly appeared out of no where.

When I saw him, my heart skipped a beat. I gulped and tensed my muscles, then I got on my feet without knowing where I was going. I know he is still mad at me.

My heart is still crying for him. When I looked at him, something in me broke. He has succeeded in becoming a homeless drug addict. All he has is a small bag hanged around his shoulder and a mind full of wild dreams.

The last time I saw him was the day he made a marriage proposal to me when he heard I was promised to Alhaji Tanko. He asked me to marry him and run away with him right away.

I couldn't say yes because it is not a fairy tale and we are not in a freaking movie. I couldn't risk it. Besides, I was eager to meet Alhaji Tanko then. I declined his offer not knowing what it could cause.

He was heart broken when I declined his offer, so he started doing drugs. I never knew he was on drugs, not until he told him with his mouth. I didn't know why, but he just blurted it out like it was nothing. I felt like I have discovered the deepest secret of the universe.

From that day, He became an interesting piece of specimen to me. We Shared something, a secret that hides in the tiny infinity between my heart and his words.

Drug addiction is not one of my areas of expertise, So I asked him a lot of questions. I wanted to know how it worked and all. I loved the way he had an answer to each and every one of my questions including the stupid ones.

I have never seen the drugs, and I don't seem to notice the difference in his behavior even when he is high. but he always tells me when he is. if I ask "why?"

he answers "you seem interested in knowing, you ask a lot of questions and I fucking love giving you a free education in my area of expertise".

There came a time when he was always high, he lost the will to go on with his life and secure a future for himself. Nothing interests him, it's like he has lost the will to live and feel alive. He stated living in his own world, all he did was eat, sleep and do drugs.

I grew desperate with the need to help him, to rescue him from this dark well he is drowning in. In an attempt to Making sure his life doesn't become a total shit-show, I snitched on him. I told my father he was doing drugs.

When he found out what I had done, he packed his things and ran away. No body knew where he was, not until today. His worried father and mine had been searching for over eight months now, but they didn't succeed in finding him.

He opened our conversation with "my offer still stands"  and we both bursted out laughing.

That's typical of him, I wasn't surprised because he is the kind of person that can start a conversation with, "I'm fucking high" or "can I have babies with you?" Or "vampires do exist, i met one on my way here" just to get me to talk

"I am so sorry for the hurt and pain I might have caused you" I said, With a hint of sadness in my voice. My voice sounded like a broken violin. I looked up at him and he was suppressing a smile.

Lamido was my childhood friend, My crony and my protector in those days. And I was his best friend, his crush and his sunshine in rainy days.

He is rebellious like Rimbaud, anguished and vulgar like Esenin. I wondered if this quiet and peaceful town was enough for his rebellious soul, if his heart was craving for something new, if it craved for anything at all other than drugs

He had no limits, he's unstoppable and unpredictable, cruel in his own special way. He is a free and simple person who doesn't give a fuck about what the world thinks of him.

He always tells me that I'm like a drug to him, a heroine in human form. I am addictive and he wants to overdose.

I was so happy to see him, we talked and laughed and joked around. We were like stupid little kids, lost in their stupid world where every wall is made of chocolate and every road of biscuit. At that moment, I forgot all about my problems.

I almost lost myself in his paradise, still indifferent and brutally honest, yet playful and loving. This moment brought back sweet and sour memories, we remembered the good old days. When we were little kids with no problem of our own. I got so emotional.

He noticed the sudden change of emotion. "Are you okey?" He asked softly. A question usually so mundane, but it had a heavy weight because of it's sincerity.

He begged me to tell him why i was in a bad mood. I tried to talk but the words just couldn't make their way out of my mouth, I swallowed them back.

I made a reluctant noise, a grunt mixed with a sigh. "I just miss my childhood days" I finally replied after what seemed like forever.

He tried to console me, he tried to make me feel batter, but he failed miserably. My tears are not his to wipe out, my pain is not his to share. The one person that is capable of making me feel better is not mine to take. I was saddened by his efforts, even though I appreciate his concern.

Better than silence and stoned hearts, better than empty eyes and breathless whispers, we watched the sun rise together just like old times.

With laughter and sadness, we swallowed the bittersweet taste of loneliness. In those nanoseconds, our broken souls almost became one.

He asked the question again, "would you marry me and run away with me?" Unfortunately, My answer haven't changed, not even a bit. I declined, once again.

I see no future with him. With an addict, nothing is certain. It might just be an impulse due to drug overdose. Either ways, I cannot wait until he is sober to find out because I might end up heart broken again.

He might be crazy, stupid and wild in a good way, not to mention interesting and nice. but that doesn't change the fact that he is an addict.

I could have said "yes" and lead him on for a while before finally setting him free, but He's not the kind of person I would like to toy around with. Besides, I wouldn't like to trade our friendship for Love. For Love fades away as time passes by.

I wanted to become a bad girl because I am not getting what I want (Tanimu), but I don't want him to become my victim. I have decided to become a bad girl, but at that moment the good girl in me was dominating my every thought, action and judgment.

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