Shattered

Chapter 29; Emotions of a Love Letter

Jason’s p.o.v

After what felt like hours, I took the gloves off and looked at my bruised and swollen hands. The anger was different than before, I wasn’t angry at her. I was angry at myself. 

She was wrong in what she did, but so was I. I was upset, and I had the right to be. I handled the situation without thinking. She clouded my mind, she was all I thought about. Mix her and anger together, and I blew up. I was still trying to make sense of what all even happened. I didn’t understand my emotions at the moment, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

I was fighting with two demons. I was tired of this, tired of fighting with myself. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to go. I was so frustrated at myself and this battle I was fighting. I had tried to get over her and embrace this dark side of me, but it didn’t work.

I tried to be with other girls, but they weren’t the same. They weren’t Miley. They threw themselves at me, half naked. I couldn’t get hard because they didn’t satisfy me like Miley did. They didn’t look like her, they didn’t even compare to her. No one compared to her.

I tried to busy myself, but nothing helped. I tried to let my dark side take over and it failed. I couldn’t understand what my body, mind, and soul were doing. They were fighting with one another and it was obvious my dark side had lost. 

Seeing her made all these feelings erupt and I hated it. I was either going all in with her, or I was going to lose myself. I had already tried to let myself go and it didn’t work. I was fucked up and completely alone in the process. My demons weren’t happy. I didn’t know how to satisfy the thirst that ran eagerly through my veins.

My phone started ringing distracting me from my thoughts.

“What,” I spat answering the phone. My anger wasn’t going anywhere no matter how hard I tried.

“I just wanted to know if you had heard from Miley.” Marin asked with worry filling his voice. I felt my heart start accelerating within me. 

“I saw her last night, why?” I asked. Something wasn’t right.

“I knew she was going to find you, and I made her promise that she would call me. She hasn’t called and it’s been two day.” He spoke in a hush voice. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I am worried. Something is wrong.” He was frantic, and scared. 

“I’m sure she is fine” I sighed. I didn’t need to worry about her when I couldn’t make sense of what was going on with me.

“No, I can sense something isn’t right.” He spoke sharply.  

“Alright, I will see if she is still in town and have her call you.” I spoke angrily. I wasn’t in the mood for this, but he was normally right about his senses. I was even senses something too. 

“Thank you” he sighed in relief before hanging up. 

Without even comprehending what was going on, I changed into jeans and a black t-shirt. I grabbed my helmet and drove off on my motorcycle. I was scared and worried. I tried to calm myself down, but I was in overdrive.

This was a small town, she is probably staying at one of the 5 motels. As I was driving down the old country road that was surrounded by the forest I saw Miley’s car on the side of the road. I pulled over and parked behind her car. 

“Miley,” I said opening the door to her car. It looked as if she crashed her car into the tree. Her body was pale and unresponsive. 

I pulled out my phone and called the tow company. I requested they come get the car and deliver it to the local car shop. I grabbed Mileys things and tied them to the back of my bike. I couldn’t take her to the hospital so I had to take care of her myself. I made sure the car was wiped down before removing her from the car. I held her in front of me as I drove back to my house. Luckily my house wasn’t far from where I found her.

I carried her and her things into the house and placed her on the bed. She didn’t move, she didn’t budge. My heart sank as I watched her small pale body lie there lifeless.

I cleaned her off and put an ice pack on the small bump she had on her head. I made sure she was comfortable. I grabbed her things and started going through them. I emptied her duffel bag on the couch next to the bed. I wasn’t sure what I was doing, or what I was looking for. My eyes saw her journal laying there amongst her things.

 I grabbed it and opened it. A sealed letter fell out. I picked it up and saw it was addressed to me. My greedy self, opened it without thinking. 

Dear Jason,

My love…I am writing this letter to apologize for everything that happened between us. I know that I left and I am the one to blame. My reasons for leaving are not okay by any means. I know that it was wrong to leave without talking to you. You deserve better. 

I guess I wasn’t thinking correctly. I jumped at the chance to fix what was going on in the world without realizing that what mattered most was us. I know this is a long shot…but please, forgive me. I may have forgotten the importance of us in that moment, but I still love you. I was so scared that I would lose you in the war around us, that I ended up losing you because I was stupid. 

For a while, I was able to be strong. I held myself together for as long as I could before slowly breaking down. I used to be good with separating the world around me from the emotions I was feeling. With you, it was different. I was no longer in charge of my emotions. And that is fucking scary. I let you in, letting my walls down in the process…that changed everything. Now I am lost. I can’t contain myself, and I am constantly in pain. I am afraid, unhappy, and angry. I am angry at myself. I hate myself for leaving you. I knew you would never forgive me, but I thought I could fix things...I was wrong.  

Thinking back to when I thought you were dead, I don’t think that I really coped because I believed that you were going to come back. I think the feelings and emotions I felt then were totally different then what they are now. This pain is worse. I hate it, I hate myself. I can only imagine what you are feeling.

I am so sorry for all of the pain I have caused you. That was never my intent. I love you, Jason. You are my love, my life, and my everything. I should have been more careful with my actions. I should have talked to you about how I was feeling. I was wrong, I know I can’t change what happened…but I can tell you that I believe we can have an amazing future with one another. 

If you never forgive me, I will understand.

Love,

Miley

My heart sank to my feet after reading that. What have I done?

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