Shattered

Chapter 23; Nothing

Miley’s p.o.v

After some talking with Dalton, I drifted asleep. Although it didn’t last long because I wasn’t able to stay asleep due to my violent dreams.

“Are you okay?” Dalton asked once I had woke up. He looked concerned.

“I’m fine, just a bad dream.” I said leaning forward. These bad dreams weren’t anything I wasn’t used too. Normally they were scary and heart wrenching. My dreams were normally about Jason and I, which made waking up from them even harder.

“Do you get those a lot?” He asked trying to make small talk. He seemed a little concerned about me, but I didn’t think too much into it.

“Sometimes, but I never really fall asleep so it normally it isn’t much of a problem.” I said looking out the window. “Where are we?” I asked looking over at him. I didn’t really want to talk about my dreams anymore.

“Not far from the train station.” He shrugged focusing on the road ahead of us.

“Okay, how long will the train ride be?” I asked curiously.

“Not sure, maybe two or three hours.” He said looking at me then back at the road.

“Great.” I sighed, I just wanted out of this car. It felt as if I was losing oxygen.

“Want to talk?” He asked. “It will make the time go by faster.” He laughed lightly.

“Sure. What do you want to talk about?” I asked looking over at him.

“You, what have been you been up too?” He wandered smiling from ear-to-ear. I forgot how easy going he was, it made the situation lighter.

“Nothing really.” I laughed lightly. “I had to move away after my mom died to live with my dad. It wasn’t something that I was happy about.” I started. “After I graduated from high school, I met up with D again. I felt safe working with him. Then all this shit started happening…this gang shit has been going on for a long time. After a while I knew the only way to end this was to work with Dexter in order to help this. That’s pretty much it.” I rolled my eyes. My life hasn’t been that boring over the past few years, in fact, it was nothing but interesting.

“So no boyfriend, or men period?” He asked raising his eye brows, he was obviously interested in my life.

“Not anymore.” I said looking away. The thought of Jason hurt to even think about.

“I see.” He sighed. “I understand how that feels. I don’t think people like us can actually have stable relationships, at least not for long. I have tried, myself…it has just never worked out for me in the past.”

“It’s hard when you have been trained to be so dis-attached from your feelings.” I said looking over at him. “And of course the stress of the work we do.” I said looking away.

“Did Dexter train you?” He asked.

“Sort of, he told me to stay away from feelings. Once feelings get involved, everything changes.” I started. “Dexter taught me how to get out of my thoughts, and how to stay completely focused on the task at hand. But, he also taught me how to read people and how to get away without a trace. D also trained me in similar ways. Along my journey, I picked up tips and tricks on how to completely remove my feelings from everything. It has not been as easy as I thought.” I sighed.

“Wow, seems like you have been through a lot over the past few years.” He spoke softly. He was being honest and kind to me. We obviously have a few things in common in this area.

“Yeah, well that’s life. What about you, what have you been up too?” I asked wondering what he had been up too in his life.

“Well, I never really had a girlfriend…I don’t have time for that. I mostly just paid attention to work and stayed away from feelings. Like you, I didn’t want to bring my feelings into anything.” He sighed. “Other than that, I just worked and built up a reputation for myself.” He shrugged.

“Yeah, this life we live isn’t as great as people think.” I spoke. “I don’t even know what freedom feels like, not anymore.” I said as I noticed we pulled into the parking lot of the train station.

We parked and walked inside. We got our tickets separately and boarded the train separately. We didn’t want to draw to much attention just in case someone was watching us. With everything that was going on we need to make sure that our tracks were covered. I sat alone and read a book, it was hard to focus.

I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore. Talking with Dalton somewhat helped me think clearly. But, I was still having issues with my emotions and feelings. My mind went back in forth in between reality and dreams. I thought of Jason a lot…I missed him. I knew that we would never be anything, not anymore. He probably hated me, and I knew that he would never talk to me again. Not after how things went down. Even thinking about it made me want to cry. I wanted him in my life, and I hated how things went down between us. I just wanted him back.

My heart ached to the point of no control. The walls were closing in on me and I could barely breathe anymore. I fucked up and got my feelings involved with Jason. I knew that I should have done something, I should have stopped myself. I wanted nothing more than to feel free, I wanted to end this once and for all. I felt my blood start to boil. I was more than pissed, I was so angry and I hated everyone and everything.

I was burnt out, I was fucked up. I was shattered beyond the point of no return. There was nothing left of me. I was nothing.

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