Waiting For Superman

Seventeen

Gotta have roots before brances, to know who I am before I know who I wanna be & faith to take chances.

My first day at the school was incredible. It was so warm outside that we just did our lesson outside. It was fantastic, not needing technology to teach the children.

The teacher that I worked with taught me a valuable quote to the school.

-          “Little steps lead to great strides”

In a school of over 700 pupils, this quote was placed on the board at the front of the classroom, in every classroom for the children to see. They are young, but what better point to explain to them that one day they will reach their full potential, if the correct steps are taken to them being the best that they can be.  Primary school is the beginning of the rest of their lives, it’s the journey that encourages them to love school and want to pursue a life changing career in the future – following their dreams. Primary school is the foundation of following their dreams; it’s all about forming their dreams and encouraging them to carry on with ways that contribute to their dreams coming true.

I worked in the Year 1 class where the gender of pupils was distributed equally into 15 girls and 15 boys. We would teach the pupils their English, Maths and Science – just the basics. PE, Music, Drama and Art would be taught by specialist teachers, ensuring that each student is receiving the best education possible.

The teaching in Maltese schools is completely different to the schools in England. I did love it though; I loved having a completely different environment in front of my eyes.

When I finally got home from the travelling the first thing I wanted to do was email Ashley and tell her about my day, but rather than being the first one to send the email – she already beat me to it. What I didn’t expect was to see a message from Dylan as well.

I did the wrong thing and read the email from Dylan before Ashley; I knew I would regret it.

 “Miss Neavie-Anna,

I hate to admit that I miss you, a lot. I never imagined that being away from you for three days would hurt this much, what’s worse is that I still have to do the rest of this month.

I’m sorry that I pretty much drove you out of this country, I mean I know you wanted to go abroad, but I also knew that you wouldn’t have done it if we were together but we both know that it would never work, it would never happen.

I think you still like me a lot and I love the idea of you missing me, but we can’t ignore the fact that I am not the one for you, I can’t give you what you need and I know for sure I am not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen, I knew although I denied how I felt for you that we would end up right here.

I like you, I do. I’m sorry Neavah but I honestly can’t deal with this pain that you have brought to my life, not right now when I have enough to concentrate on. I’m terribly sorry for putting you through what I have and I know that it isn’t right in the slightest, but nothing ever works out to be fair.

I miss you.

Dylan”

Do I reply? Through that whole email all I could feel was the lump in my throat that formed the ache in my heart that grew the tears in my eyes that managed to fall when I read his name at the bottom of the email.

I’m not in the best state of mind to write a letter back, but why not?

 “Hey Dylan,

I never imagined we would be here, that’s why we are different, I imagined we would make it through just the way our friendship would have.

I often do want to tell you how I feel, I want to tell you that I like you more than I expected to and that I want us to go somewhere. It would go something like “I like you, but” and that is what makes me realise that I can’t tell you. Purely because, when you tell someone you like them or that you love them, there should never be a ‘but’. However every time we tell each other we like one another, it just ends with a ‘but’. Therefore we don’t mean what we are saying, well we shouldn’t mean what we are saying because ‘but’ means doubt and it means that we are doubting what we say. To love someone, to like someone, means that those feelings will always be there, when you use the word ‘but’ it shows that the heart isn’t completely there. That you are using your mind than your emotions, I know this because love is never ending, and love changes our brain completely. We can tell each other we like each other, but I feel something for you that I haven’t felt before.

I know that none of this makes any sense to you, but I can’t help that I fell for you. I can’t help but keep falling for you, but if I am away from you? Then I can’t help falling out of love with you.

Goodbye, Dylan.

Neavah”

I didn’t even open the email that Ashley sent me, some how it didn’t seem possible to do anything I wanted to do anymore. It didn’t seem possible to find someone else, it didn’t seem possible to work with the children, it didn’t seem possible to stay in a different country, it didn’t seem possible to meet Oliver, it didn’t seem possible to face my friendship group and I just knew that I was pretty much pushing to be alone.

Instead, I just sat in the same seat for five hours that evening, listening to the same music over and over again.

I knew that Dylan and I could never go from being the way we were, to then being friends but that is why it hurts so bad I suppose – because I know I’ve lost him completely.

Becoming friends after having something ‘special’ together is just a lie, it’s not true.

Did Dylan bring out the best in me? I mean, really? Come to think about it, was I just falling for the idea of Dylan?

No definitely not. I loved the way Dylan and I treated one another. Even though sometimes it wasn’t right, who cared? I knew in my heart I wouldn’t have this form of relationship with anyone ever again, because what we shared and how we were with one another was unique.

If anyone was in my position, you would understand that this situation would break your heart. It would break your heart how we spent all of our time appreciating the small things we did together, how when we were in the group we couldn’t help but look at one another, how protective we became, how I thought he was a beautiful person and that beautiful people do not break beautiful hearts. You would be heartbroken.

So yes, Dylan did bring out the best in me, but he also brought out the worst in me. I can’t complain as I did the same with him, but love does that, falling for one another does that. This is exactly what love does, it makes us crazy. It made me not want him, but not wanting him made me want him more. Being away from him drove me insane, but being around him also drove me insane. What’s to win when you are in a losing situation?

I always said that we were ‘messy’, but breaking up with someone and becoming their friend? That’s a whole lot of messy, in fact that is messier.