SIN

Why not me

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November, Monday

Vanessa

The alarm rings and rings and rings.

I hear it, I really do, but my body doesn't want to move from the fetal position that I've been in since yesterday afternoon. I don't feel as though there is not really much worth getting up for anymore. Generally, I'm waiting on my death. I rub my hand against my now empty stomach and just allow the silent tears to stroll carelessly down my face.

I really lost the child that I was supposed to meet in six and a half months. I really did.

I hear the door slowly open, and I don't have to turn to know that it's Jerome again. Making sure that I haven't killed myself yet, I bet. The first thing he does is quitely close the door behind him, as if he doesn't want to disturb me from sleeping. I can't get a wink of sleep, so that's useless.

Then, he turns off the alarm, and for some odd reason that aggravates me. It's too quiet now. My thoughts are louder. You killed your baby. You killed your baby. Your baby's dead. You killed your baby. You'll never be a mom. You. Killed. Your. Baby.

"Turn it back the hell on!" I scream at my husband, causing him to send the alarm clock flying against the near wall, with a loud crashing sound. The pieces fly and scatter all over the room.

"Holy crap, babe" He places his hand against his chest and stare at me with a shocked expression. I roll my eyes at him before turning on my side. I don't even want to look at him, knowing that I failed him. Knowing that his mother was right about me.

"Turn the alarm back on and get the hell out Jerome!" I call out harshly. I don't remember the last time I spoke to my husband that way. Although, right now I honestly don't care.

"I-I just broke it" he states the obvious.

I turn to look at him with nothing but assume disgust, on my face. "Use your damn phone then" I turn again, expecting him to do as I say. It's quiet for a few prolong minutes at first, but as I presumed, soft music imbibe the subsequent silence in the room.

"Babe" he calls in a whisper, and that tone alone is enough to make tears pool at my eyes again. Why does this have to happen to us?

"Babe?" he calls again after a few minutes of me not answering. "Can I bring you some soup?"

Soup that I suppose his terrible mother made since he can't cook to save his life.

"No"

"Beautiful, you haven't eaten in two days. You've gotta eat something" I can just hear the concern and the agony in his voice. It almost makes me want to cave in and accept, but hunger isn't one of my yearns right now. With what strength would I be able to consume anything?

"No" I repeat

"Jesus" he sighs, exasperated by my mood. "At least some water"

"No"

"Vanessa--"

"No Jerome! No! Just get out and leave me the hell alone!" I shout again, and as soon as the words leave my mouth, I start to cry. "Gooo" I sob out, my body trembling from the power of the cries.

He makes a move forward to come hug me, but I shield away from him, rejecting his consolation. "Go" I say again, this time watching his own tears build up in his grey eyes.

"Don't do this baby"

I don't want to do this, but looking at him makes this even harder to deal with. All I know is that I've failed him. I'll never be the woman to bear his children because I just can't do it. I'm not woman enough.