The Abused and The Hurt//Camren//(COMPLETED)#Wattys2019

What Is Love?

*the next day*

Camila's POV

I stayed up until 5am non stop researching and studying. I've learned a lot about what it's like to be entitled as part of the LGBTQ+ community and some stuff about same sex relationships. Since I am lesbian, I can't get pregnant.

Which is fine with me. I don't want a baby. Especially if there's a chance that it could become sick like me. Also in some relationships people consider that there's a "mother" figure and a "father" figure even if partners are the same gender.

I don't really know what those roles are. I never had that. They left me.

Dinah suggested to look up "love affections". I didn't have an idea on what that could mean. What even is love anyway?

I tried to see on my computer what love was, but all that really came up was "The chemistry (attraction) you feel for another, or perhaps significant other. It could even make you feel that the other person is your soul mate." 

Non of it really seemed to click. A bunch of other stuff also popped up, such as different types of kisses, hugs, caresses, and non of it just seemed like something I would know.

I wanted Dinah to come already. I had so many questions that I needed to be answered. Dinah has experienced the outside world. I feel like she would know some stuff. Right?

It was currently 8:45am, Dinah usually gets here around 9 o'clock. So she won't be too long now. In the mean time I thought about what I've read all night and putting such stuff in my life.

I thought about Lauren. I thought about what I felt about her and see how any feeling I felt could connect to what I had read.

I thought about how safe her hugs made me feel, how mesmerizing her eyes were, how I feel funny when I see her smile, how I felt... happy with her around. An emotion I haven't felt in years.

Would that be considered attraction?

My head felt dizzy thinking about it all. I like Lauren. A lot.

But would she want a same sex relationship with me? I mean yeah Dinah told me that she was Bisexual and she likes boys and girls, but still. Would she find it wrong or disturbing to be with a sick person like me?

I have autism, I have trust issues, I hate my body, I hate my looks, I apparently have short term memory loss, and I have very short temper.

Would Lauren want that?

Would I want that? Am I ready for something like this?

I've never been in a relationship. I barely really started to trust Dinah, Ally, and sometimes Normani. Was I ready to open up to someone I barely know about, but I feel like I've known them forever? How do I even act in a relationship?

So many questions, so little answers.

"Uh Earth to Chancho?", I heard Dinah's voice irrupt in the room.

I jumped up in surprise and held my heart over my chest.

"Jesus Cheechee you scared the crap out of me.", I exclaimed.

"Well maybe I wouldn't have scared you if you weren't so lost in your head. Is everything alright?", Dinah asked.

She took a look at my face, obviously noticing the tired and stressed look portrayed on me not to mention the heavy bags under my eyes, she went to go sit down on a chair.

"I've just been thinking a lot that's all.", I said truthfully.

"About what exactly? How long did you stay up last night?", Dinah asked.