Whalien 52 | BTS

Lost | Ren

"Ren hi, please take a seat" Jin my councillor of five months smiles at me. Yeah no need to be so happy about going inside my brain dude. I slowly shuffle over to the designated chair.

"So last time we didn't get very far did we" he says looking up from my mountain of paper work. When I say mountain I mean mountain. This mound of paper work could give Mount Everest a run for its money.

I just sit there and stare blankly at him.

"Ren you need to cooperate with me here" I blink and sigh at him.

"I don't want to remember Jin, I don't want to remember being beat from a young age till about seven months ago, me remembering is going to make my mental state worse, making me relapse and you know what happened last time I relapsed don't you?" I sternly at the tall figure who was walking out from behind his desk.

"Yes Ren I am well aware of what happened last time, if it wasn't for Yoongi checking up on you would would have probably-"

"Died? That was I was going for"

"Ren! Look I'm sorry but this is what we have to do, we have to figure out the source of the problems" Jin barks at me making me wince.

"I know the source it's my abusive parent, that's the source of my depression, my anxiety, my anger, my trust issues and my paranoia of getting close to anyone"

"Right so let's start over" Jin says gliding over to me on his chair. I slowly lean back on to the recliner chair, I close my eyes and start to feel my body heat up.

I don't want to do this.

I don't want to remember.

"Okay Ren, so how do you feel, what do you see"

"I feel scared, anxious! I, I think I'm running away from someone, everything is blurry though all the tears in my eyes, I can't see much" I shake my head from side to side.

"I can hear someone screaming my name, I'm hiding, I hiding under my bed! I'm so scared no I'm frightened" I squeeze my eyes closed tighter than they already where.

"Jin I don't want to, Jin I'm scared I can hear heavy footsteps" I feel my breathing get heavier and heavier.

"Ren deeps breaths, remember steady breathing" I nod and feel sweat drip down the left side of my face.

"I see feet, I see someone's feet, whoever it is, is talking to me, no they're screaming at me" I start to feel tears stream down my cheeks. I hate this.

When will this stop.

Then next thing I know is I scream at the top of my lungs.

"Please stop! Stop, please! It wasn't me I didn't do anything please!" I cry and shake my body.

"Ren what happened?" Jin lightly asks me.

"They hit me, they hit me, multiple times, I hurts so bad" I cry even more. Times like this are when I'm not so strong. On the outside I act so strong and hold my head high. But on the inside I'm a scared little bird. A little bitd that it so scared to fly from the nest for the first time.

"What's happening now?"

"I'm in the bathroom, with a shard of glass from the mirror" I jolt myself up and open my eyes.

"Ren you did so well" Jin smiles at me.

"Please DON'T make me do that again, please! I will do anything to not go there again" I plead with all my heart. Jin slides over to his window and grabs the box of tissues before sliding back over to me and handing me the light and decorative cardboard box.

I take one of the crystal white fluffy tissues out from the box and wipe my eyes, clearing all of the tears away.

"Ren you did well, so very well, I'll write up these notes soon" he sends a little smile my way. I nod at him and try not to break down again.

Times like this I just wish I could harm myself. I hate remembering, I hate this all! When my did I have to get stuck with shuch an abusive parent? Why did I have to go though all the child abuse? I had a brother who they never touched. It was always me. I just want to be better! I want to be free, I don't want to be in pain anymore.

"Ren?" Jin says bringing me back from my inner thoughts.

"Yoongi will take you back to the common room, your room or wherever you would like"

"I want to go to the foam room" I announce and Jin widens his eyes.

"You haven't been there for ages why now"

"It's the only place I can release my anger and not hurt myself or anyone around me" I fake a smile before I walk towards Yoongi who was holding the door open for me like the gentleman he was.

"I have some good news for you Rennie" he lightly nudges me. Yeah Yoongi is the only one who called me Rennie and one of the very few people I let touch me, Yoongi is so good at his job that before I relapsed again made me feel normal. We stop walking for a couple seconds.

"Tomorrow is Tuesday" was all he said before he continued to walk in the direction of the foam room.

"That means I can see Snow?!" I squeal at him, he just chuckles at me.

"Indeed it does, come on" he calls over to me as I hadn't actually moved from when we stopped.

Tomorrow is Tuesday! Tuesday is tomorrow! Snow comes tomorrow! Tomorrow I won't feel so lost.