Dear Darling

09

Josephine

It's raining again today. I woke up to the pitter patter of raindrops falling onto the roof of our house. It was an odd sensation, because for just one moment, I forgot about her. I forgot about the emptiness that I carry around inside my heart every day. For just a moment, I felt okay.

It was a weird feeling. Today feels like something new. Like something is going to change. Personally, I've had enough change in my life in the last few months to last the next decade.

I slowly peeled myself out of the safe haven that was my bed, dragging my heavy soul to the bathroom. I stood over the sink, turning on the tap and splashing my face with cold water. I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a girl with dead eyes. Then, April's face appeared in my mind, smiling and spreading light like the happy girl she was, and those dead eyes came back to life just a little bit.

I felt warmer today, like the icy-cold I had been feeling had thawed just a tad. Like there was more room in my heart. The thought scared me, I had the sinking feeling that I was going to forget her, and I couldn't do that. If I forgot April...well I couldn't even begin to think of how terrible that would make me. I can't forget her, I would have failed her if I forget her.

I sighed heavily, turning away from my reflection and turning on the shower. I undressed, climbing under the stream of warm water. I tilted my head back, letting the water flow down the back of my head, feeling the water soak into my achy bones.

As I stood there, a melody popped into my head.

You are my sunshine...

I smiled softly as I heard the words to April's favorite song. I used to sing it to her when she had nightmares or when she was sick or when she was sad. I continued humming the song as I showered, and when I was done, I actually felt refreshed.

~

Breakfast used to be an enjoyable meal. On weekends, Theresa used to insist on everyone eating together. For every meal the four of us would sit together around the table and eat. We would talk and joke and enjoy ourselves, but now meals are something to suffer through.

I sat across from David, Theresa was to my right, and I hunched myself over my bowl of cereal to avoid conversation. The paper was spread across the table in front of David, his reading glasses were on and his eyes were trained on the print. A plate of eggs and a cup of coffee sat abandoned beside his arm.

Every once in a while, I would glance up at him, daring him to look at me too. Willing him to look up and see me, not just see the girl who killed his daughter. Theresa says that he doesn't blame me, but I can tell that's not true. It's in the way he holds himself when I'm around, like he needs to show how big and tough he is. It's in the way he directly doesn't look at me, his silence speaks the loudest; you killed my baby.

Don't worry, I want to say. I know it's my fault. I know.

As I continued to silently eat, I found myself wishing to speak to Dylan. I had sent him a letter yesterday, and I anxiously waited for his reply. His words brought me reassurance, when I read his letters I believed that I could get through the day. Talking to him, someone that was real but also so far away, he was almost exclusively imaginative, gave me hope.

I had hope that my life could be better. I would be in New York soon, and I would live my life, but I also knew that a big part of me would always be frozen. I would feel dead, and numb, and lost, because she wasn't here anymore.

If April were here, she'd ask, Why are your eyes sad?

She always seemed to be older than her years, she was wise for a six year old and I envied her ability to comfort anyone around her with a simple question.

Sometimes I wondered if she'd been a counselor in a past life, or a social worker, something that allowed her to help people. She was one of the most empathetic people and I wished I could somehow learn from her, that I could make myself better by watching her interact with those in her world.

"So," Theresa says, always the tension breaker. "What are your plans for today, Jo?"

"Not much." Short and sweet. The perfect answer, for me anyway.

"Well, I have some errands to do today, and I thought you'd might like to come along."

David glances up at this, he's looking at me now, gauging what I'm going to say next.

"Oh, thanks...but I was just going to work on a piece for school." That was half a lie. I did have a piece for school that was unfinished, but it was from last year. I got it right before the accident and I didn't bother even looking at it.

"Are you sure?" She asks. "It could be fun, kind of a girl's day."

Her face showed she was hurt, and I felt bad, but Theresa was also trying too hard to be cheerful. When she wasn't drinking through the night, she was too busy faking happiness.

As I opened my mouth to reply, David decided to jump in.

"She'll go with you today, Tess."

Theresa and I were both shocked. He never says anything when the three of us are together and he decides to break that silence streak with that?

"Dad," I began.

"No. Josephine, you will go and help Tess today with whatever she needs. You've been hiding in your room for the last two months and you need to face reality now. You will no longer spend every minute by yourself, April is not coming back. We all need to move on because she can't. You made sure of that." He stood from his seat as his voice grew louder and his body shook with anger and his face was beet red.

"David!" Theresa scolds him in the voice she used to use with April. "That is enough!"

"No," He yells at her. Then he turns back to me. "You think you're the only one who lost her? You think that you're the only one who is heartbroken? And you walk around this house like a ghost, when you're the cause of this!"

His words pounded into me like a semi-truck with every syllable. He finally said it. You're the cause of this. You made sure she couldn't move on.

As much as I hated it, my eyes began to fill with tears and I stood at the table too.

"Do you think I don't regret everything that happened that night?" I screamed. "Do you think I don't hate myself because I killed her?"

"Jo, honey," Theresa put her hand on my arm. "You didn't kill her. It's not your fault." Then she turned to David. "And you, I cannot believe you said that to her. Your own daughter."

David looked like a scolded dog, and I just stood there as he put a look of faux remorse on his face. Tears blurred my vision and while my stepmother continued chewing out my father, I turned on my heel and walked out the front door of our house.

I don't know how long I walked for, my feet began to hurt and my lungs burned from the tears that were like fire through my soul.

I cried the whole time. I cried for my sister, because she would never grow up. I cried for Theresa, because she lost her only baby. I cried for myself, because everything was my fault. And I cried for David, because he didn't deserve this heartbreak anymore than anyone else did, and maybe he didn't actually mean those things he said. Maybe he would come find me and tell me that I was still his little girl and that he still loves me. Maybe I'll still have a dad.

~

When the sky was dark, I turned around and started making my way back to the house. I had walked the whole day away. When had I done that? I didn't eat or drink all day?

My thoughts got foggy as I slowed my pace. I felt wobbly, and I needed to sit down, but there was no where to sit and the ground was so far away. I looked across the street, and saw a woman walking a dog, I tried to call out but it was as though my body was stuck in place. My vocal chords were dry as sandpaper and I couldn't breathe.

I made eye contact with the woman, and then I was falling. And everything went black.