t w e n t y - t w o

194 15 14

by writingtheother51rn

by writingtheother51rn

I took a long draw off of the cigarette. It initially took a few puffs to get used to it but it briskly became natural. A short exhale freed any smoke that existed in my mouth. I don't get why people think this is so hard. I french inhaled. Hey, this isn't half bad.

James p.o.v.

I feel guilty, thats it. There's nothing more to it. Thomas is now being extremly distant. I hate it when he does this. Its like he put his walls up all over again. I hate to do it but I want to ask him what we are...I think he's still my boyfriend but that doesn't make a differance, I've been trying to talk to him but he won't let his damn gaurd down.

I sighed looking at the door until it opened revealing Thomas. I looked at him with a concerned expresion his face was unreadable. Emotionless was all I picked up. Or he was trying to hide his feelings and doing a really good job. Thomas closed the door behind him. I waved, he responded with a breif "Sup." And walked upstairs to the guest bedroom. This is painful. What could I say to him? I pulled my phone out of my pocket.

I remember your college speech. You read it to me junior year. Crazy as it may sound I remember a lot of things from back then

Hate it, redraft

I'm sorry for

Redraft

If I could convince

Nope

We should take a break

So far so good

You've been shot for me, almost killed yourself over losing me and practically killed a man for me. If that isn't enough proof of your love and loyalty I don't know what is.but I really can't believe you cheated on me after about a week or two prior you said you wanted to be more commited. More loyal to our relationship.

The rest'll come to me in the moment I guess.

Tommy p.o.v.

Sitting in the guest room, better known as my room is pretty lonely. I just want to smuther James in kisses and passion but I can't because I know he's mad at me. I fucked up. After I told him I wanted to fully commit to the relationship. I lied through my teeth...well not fully. I do want to commit to James the only way is to tell everyone...to sit back and watch my reputation drip down the drain.

I hadn't been to work so obviously I'd been fired. I had nothing to do anymore but smoke sleep and cry. Occasionally I'd get food but only because I'd feel lightheaded. Not because I was hungry.

Its one of those days where you realise nothing fucking matters. One of those days where you feel like driving off a bridge because you've fucked up so bad. The love of my life is sitting only feet away from me and I can't stop be so in my head for less than five minutes just to say I'm sorry...to explain the connection with Maria. Only a few people in the school know about James and I. Or at least think so.

Hamilton
Burr
Laurens
Adams
And Reynolds.

Nobody else thought or knew about the two of us being a couple. I was quite careful with the information. What if I just tell him how I feel? How badly I want- no need him. When you want something for so long it becomes a necessity. I need James...I need my boyfriend. I wish I could apologize...just say I love you I'm sorry and have it done with.

I wish I could just restart...I wish I could make this all end...I wish I could just never fall in love again like I promised myself I wouldn't. I'm afraid to let go...I fear dying alone. Is that normal? Am I weird? Of course I am, I'm already abnormal for being sexually attracted to another man. I'm fucked up in the head.

That's undeniable. I just can't. All I have to wait for is the "You're Being distant I think we should split up, but we can still be friends" conversation. I sighed rolling unto my side and looking at the wall.

I used to like the quiet. I would have James in my arms and his fingers in between mine. I started to cry. His hands fit perfectly with mine...our mouths slot together like two lost pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that you couldn't find but whoops they were still in the box.

Tears now cascaded down my face, being a loud crier wasn't helpful considering the fact that I was trying not to make a scene. I fucked up, not James but he doesn't want me...he doesn't want to be with me.

I put my hands over my mouth attempting not to make enough noise to warrent James checking in on me. I don't want him to feel bad. I did this to myself, I cheated on him...he's so amazing. The 5'2 boy I fell in love with, amiright. A loud whimper excaped my lips, though muffled through my hands. I closed my eyes

Don't fall asleep-

I started to doze off

God damnit

All of my dreams are strictly dedicated to remembering James's features, or they're nightmares about when he left. Apparently when you have repeated dreams your brain is trying to file a memory and can't figure out where to put it..so it scans/replays it in the form of a dream or nightmare to try and figure it out

but to no avail.