Thursday, January 19th, 2012

6 0 0

by AlyJones

by AlyJones

Thursday, January 19th, 2012

6:31 pm

Dear Diary,

Bailey's grandmother had passed away. From what I gathered, she was a tad suicidal. She had OD'ed.

Hearing this reminded me of Grandpa. I miss him so much. I know he's watching over me, but it hurts knowing I won't be able to see him for a long time.

Writing helps ease the pain. Especially writing to you, diary.

I find that I have difficulty talking about it with other people. I want to talk about it, but I feel like I can't. I sometimes feel like nobody would listen.

I'm mad at dad. He's trying to replace Grandpa with Robbie. Sure, Robbie's our biological grandfather, but he's not Grandpa. I've only met Robbie once, and we barely exchanged three words. It makes me angry that dad thinks he can do that. Make Trenton and Mackenzie remember Robbie instead of Grandpa. Why would he do that? Why would he think it's okay to do that to Grandpa?

I'm crying. I'm so angry and sad and just ... I don't know. Lost, maybe? That would be what most people would say in my situation, right? The problem is that I don't feel lost. Confused is probably a better word.

I don't get how people can deal with this kind of stuff. But I bet a lot of people don't have their own dad trying to replace your dead Grandpa with someone you barely know.

I bet pretty soon he'll be replacing Grandma with Robbie's wife, Dottie.

Grandpa shouldn't have died. Then dad wouldn't be replacing him. Then Grandma wouldn't be hurting. Everything would be like it was supposed to be.

But at the same time I know it's selfish for me to want him back. Grandpa was so sick before he died. Now he's all better.

Grandma says I should try re-connecting with dad. But how can I while he's doing this? I only met Robbie once, and I've known Grandpa my entire life.

I regret not seeing him more. I feel like I took him for granted. I always expected him to be there every time I decided I wanted to visit. I shouldn't have done that. Especially when I knew he was sick.

I know he's still here with me. I think Piggy sees him. She'll sometimes stare somewhere else and purr as if someone's petting her. Somehow or another, I know that's Grandpa saying that he's watching me.

I really should call Grandma.

Love,

Aly

6:59 pm