Just Gotta Be Me

Wednesday, January 4th, 2012

Wednesday, January 4th, 2012

6:56 pm

Dear Diary,

I'm starting to wonder. Do they know? Are they secretly sympathetic? Do they even care?

Is he watching? Is he shameful for what I've been doing in his absent? Does he know and understand my distress inside?

I wish I knew.

I can feel him watching, hear him in the silence, see what he's doing. Of course if I told anyone they'd think I had lost my mind.

I've been contemplating the existence of Guardian Angels. Lately I've been questioning the very reality that everyone has told me about. What if reality isn't real? What if the things people try to tell me are imaginary are right in front of me?

Reality, in my opinion, is such a questionable thing. There are so many lies and secrets floating breathlessly through the thick misty fog it has become.

I don't know, though. Maybe I'm just insane. I wouldn't be surprised. I've anticipated my insanity so much that I'm actually amused by the thought.

I personally think that the best mentally unstable people can fake normalcy.

My own question on reality alone would come across as a shook to most. They know of me as a kind of strange person, but all around like anyone else.

But I'm always questioning, skeptical, suspicious at time. For as long as I can remember I've questioned everything I've ever been taught. I wonder if our sense of right and wrong are correct. Whether the emotions we feel are really there. Whether we are just some play things for a bored toddler.

Of course I've never expressed a single one of my theories or concerns to anyone else. I'm aware of the consequences I would face.

My society-my reality-my modern time-is all a sick joke in my eyes. While everyone seems to accept this "reality" with smiles and nods, I can't. I guess that's what separates me from "society".

I tell myself that I'm overthinking everything. That I'm being ridiculous. Because that's what they tell you.

I guess I've fallen victim to the demons torturing me.

Love,

Aly

7:23 pm