Should Have Known (Camren)

Chapter 30

Late June, 2013

Lauren's POV

Truth be told, I missed her. I missed her smile and her laugh and the way she cuddled up to me at night. I missed her big brown eyes and the way her hair fell into her face. I missed her next to me, but I think what I missed most of all was her mind. I missed hearing her thoughts and the passion in her voice when she spoke about something she loved. I missed her voicing her opinions on every topic, no matter how irrelevant. I missed how she would always try to see the bright side of a situation and crack a joke when everyone else was down. Her mind was beautiful, but so, so dangerous.

That's why I had to end it. I had to give up everything, because the deeper and deeper I travelled into the depths of her mind, the further she allowed me into her heart, and we were both much too fragile to risk giving ourselves away completely. We were too opinionated. It was only a matter of time before our small debates over insignificant topics turned into full blown arguments, and I couldn't handle it.

I knew it was my fault that we had reached that point. I blamed myself every single day. I couldn't handle the judgment and I let it get to me, but what was I supposed to do? She was oblivious to everything and it drove me absolutely crazy. I knew it was stupid of me to let go of her because I couldn't handle the pressure, but it was smarter than holding onto something that never would have worked out anyway. It was smarter than allowing a wedge to come between us completely. At least we still had a chance to salvage a friendship.

It hurt me to think that I caused her any kind of grief, and yes, I missed her, but it was over. I was upset, but mainly because our relationship would never be the same. We could be civil, but God only knew how long it would take for us to return to the way things were at the beginning of the show, and the thought of having to start all over again exhausted me both emotionally and physically.

But I moved on. There was no point in holding onto something that was no longer mine, regardless of whether it was my doing or not. I found solace in my friends back home. I was able to call them and talk to them without any bias, and it felt good to get everything off my chest once and for all. I talked to Luis more often than I had originally planned, and I eventually found myself calling him whenever I got the chance just to hear his voice. There was something about the way he listened that was entirely too comforting, and I soon realized that I was involuntarily slipping into his grasp.

He was no Camila, but he was something. He reminded me that I was capable of feeling things without her.

Everything slowly became normal again. Camila and I barely spoke, but at least we weren't arguing every five minutes. We weren't totally avoiding each other- not for long anyway.

Immediately after we left the club that night, I noticed that Camila was distant. She wasn't her usual distant- the glassy eyed, heart broken, chest aching Camila that she had been since the break up. She was only distant from me. She was actually laughing again, and although the sound brought me joy, I knew I wasn't the cause. She primarily hung out with Dinah and Normani for the two weeks following that night. Whether she was purposely trying to avoid me or not, she was doing a great job. She smiled and laughed and joked like her old self, and eventually I figured that she had finally realized that we were over. Everything was almost normal again.

The group was doing well and everyone got along when we were together. We continued to work on the album and started to go to more and more events since we finally had music for the world to hear. Everyone was so distracted by our careers that we stopped acting like anything had ever happened between me and Camila. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

No more pretending.

...

"Make a wish!" Ally instructed excitedly, placing my birthday cake in front of me.