Babygirl

34

S

Seeing his sleeping flesh there killed me. I wanted to shack him until he was forced to wake up and tell me it was all okay. Apparently in the accident his body was huddled around are little girl so her injuries could have been way worse.

But every time I think of that tears start flowing.

He took all of her pain for her... with 5 broken ribs, a fractured skull, broken wrist and a punctured lung. The doctors worked all they could to try to save him and with a miracle he stayed alive. I don't know what I would've done if I heard Xavier died there on the operating table, without me that say goodbye. When I heard from the doctor who told me what happens I immediately crumbled to the floor.

"Mommy why are you crying" El cutely asked as I cradled her in my arms as we watch over our healing hero.

Quickly my hand came to wipe the broken shards from both cheeks. I didn't want her to see me damaged as I was trying to help her heal.

"Just because I'm so happy you and your father are alive" I sadly smiled as my chin quivered and more tears fell. I hated lying to her-I wasn't as strong as him. He's my rock, always has been. My heart ached to see his bright eyes as I fell into sleep or when I wanted to jump out of the window. I know he couldn't take this sadness or guilt  away from me but it would at least help.

"Is daddy ever going to wake up?" She questioned wiping an unknown tear from under my eye.

Oh God.

How can I tell her no one for surely knows. Will she ever understand why I can't tell her that her father almost died in order to save her. Is it wrong to hate myself until he comes back?

"Time will tell baby" I whispered trying my best not to break down right in front of her. I felt like I was separated from myself. If he dies not only will I lose myself but I'll hate myself for bringing this all on my baby.

"What does that mean?" She asked snuggling into my chest.

"Just don't worry my darling, what does daddy always say?" I ask hoping she will remember the one sentence I live by.

"Nothing matters but right now, not tomorrow not yesterday" she rehearsed playing with the lengths of my hair.

As I stared down at her I felt my chest heave. Ever since she was aloud to see me I hadn't fully looked at Eleanor's face. I knew she had a sprained arm in a cast but I couldn't get myself to look her eye to eye. A large gash was cut down her cheek that had been stitched and both of her eyes were dark from being hit. I'm the worst person/mother in the world for letting this happen to her beautiful face. Hailey's words keep resurfacing in my brain.

"You're a horrible mother"

I knew she was right on the dot when the sentence escaped fully. Sooner or later someone has to tell me and it so happens to be my own sister in law.

I'm a horrible mother.

If I could go back to when me and Xavier were fighting I would've told him that he was 100 precent right and we should have a baby. I would have gotten El just in time for Xavier to fight off the prick that took her and we could rejoice with more celebrations.

"Daddy's a smart man, isn't he?" I asked yet answered my own question letting my emotions flow without any consequences.

"Mommy a smart mommy, isn't she?" She smiled helping me with her cuteness. I didn't feel smart; I felt dooped. Like my life is someone's playground that I can't control. After that Eleanor's eyes began to droop. I hadn't slept in 3 days- since Xavier had been asleep.