ᵀᴿᵁᵀᴴ ᴼᴿ ᴰᴬᴿᴱ メ ᴾᴴᴬᴺ

-21-

p h i  l

i never slept that night. my mind was filled with thoughts of what marcus said. surely someone like dan could never like someone like me? i started making scenarios of dan and i together, happily but then it would turn to us not being together. either because dan really doesn't like me that way or because we couldn't last. because all good things must come to an end, right?

if i really did love him then why was i so scared?

i was scared to love him.

i was scared of hurting him.

i was scared of losing him.

it didn't help that i was on the couch, my eyes every so often finding them looking at dan who was peacefully snoring in the bed, covers over him where i could only see his face, with his hair falling over his eyes. i knew we had to talk. we had to talk eventually about that stupid kiss, but what was i supposed to say? it's not like i could just wake him up and ask him how he felt. he might not even remember after his drunken state.

i sighed, giving up and decided to go for a walk, to clear my head. it was seven fourty-three in the morning. i had stayed with marcus for quite a while, arguing with him reasons why dan could never love me, though knowing secretly that my arguments were utter bullshit. i went to the bathroom, only lingering a bit to wash my face but long enough for me to notice the bathtub. the very bathtub where dan and i made out and i couldn't help but feel a blush creep onto my pale face, as my imagination took me away, before leaving the bathroom, feeling even more confused.

i left the large house, annoyed for not taking my coat but deciding not to go back in case dan was awake. i didn't want to see him. not yet. i needed some time to think. i decided not to go too far though, because i still wanted to see dan before he left the house, and i didn't really know this posh area. i walked into a cafe, ordering a coffee and sat in silence, trying to get my mind of dan but failing. i had to make this feeling stop. it was clear to me that dan didn't like me that way and marcus' accusations were just making it harder. i fished for my phone in my pocket, hoping that would distract me, only to realise i had forgotten it. i sighed at the thought of not being able to play crossy road or tweet something for my followers to see. i may be a tiny youtuber, but every one of those comments, tweets and followers mean the world to me. they loved me for who i was, and i didn't feel like dan would be able to do that. we just had nothing in common for him to understand.

i stayed in the cafe for an hour and a half, deciding to grab some breakfast as well since i hadn't eaten since the night before. it was about eight fifty-seven when i made it to a park and i sat on a bench, watching as kids ran around playing, sitting on swings, going down slides... thank god dan and i didn't have any lectures today. i was grately tempted to play with them, to be a kid again and forget about university just for a moment. to be able to swing so high and jump off, to slide down the slide and feel the wind on my face or struggling to get to the end of the monkey bars. but i knew that it just wouldn't be the same anymore. especially since i was huge now.

an hour later and i was walking past a bus stop near marcus' house when something caught my eye. someone was sprinting towards me adn i moved to the side of the pavement to let them pass. curse those morning joggers making me look bad. as the person got closer to me, i realised it wasn't a morning jogger. it was dan. he stopped in front of me, panting and i waited for him to catch his breath. he was still wearing the same attire as the night before, it looking a little scruffy and his hair was curly, and i smiled. it suited him.

"good morning," i said, leading him towards the bus stop where he could sit down on the seats that were provided. he handed me my phone and i thanked him, relieved i didn't drop it somewhere, finding two texts from marcus and a missed call. from dan.

"you were looking for me?" i said out loud, feeling warm in my tummy at the thought that maybe the punk kid was worried for me. i started reading the texts as dan shrugged, his hand scraching his neck, a small smile forming on his face.

"i guess i was," he replied, almost hesitantly, regaining his breath. i looked at him and he looked at me and in that moment i was lost. literally, in his beautiful chocolate-coloured eyes and metaphorically, because i ddn't know what to do and what i was feeling.

"want to play truth or dare?" dan questioned, and i found myself looking down at my hands, nodding slowly. i was scared of this game now. it seemed that every time it was brought up, dan wanted something from me, but i couldn't bring myself to say no to him. but why?

"truth," i said, fearing of what he would make me do if i chose dare. dan thought for a moment, before sitting ever so much closer that i could feel warm and fuzzy once again and feeling butterflies in my stomach, as cliche as that sounds.

"are you gay?"

"yes."

i saw dan's beautiful smile, the one i always loved where his dimple showed.

"truth or dare?"

"dare."

"i dare you to let me kiss you again."

and even though 'again' wouldn't be the proper term since i was the one to made the first move last night, it didn't matter. because without me answering, dan's soft hands were lifting my chin so i was fully looking at him instead of nervously looking at my hands where there was no escape as he pulls me in and our lips collided.