The Great Escape || a.i. *completed & editing*

2.2

I woke up and Ashton was gone... How did I not notice him leave?

I sat up, immediately feeling my chest aching again. I dreamt about Calum and Ashton... I dreamt I was with Calum, all happy and then I saw him with another girl... Then I was in Ashton's arms and then he kissed me... It was all too much to handle, and I couldn't bear to know how Ashton was going to act after I confessed to him last night about having sex with Calum.

I rubbed my eyes, feeling worse than ever. I missed Calum already. This was going to be harder than I thought.

I sighed and got out of bed, pulling on a pair of yoga pants and a sweater. It was still raining outside.

I trudged downstairs and forced myself to eat seeing as I hadn't since yesterday afternoon. I went back up to my room and sat on my bed feeling depressed.

That's when it hit me that confessing to Ashton was probably making him depressed. And I know what happens when he gets depressed. I couldn't think about myself right now.

I looked outside. It was raining but I needed to make sure Ashton wasn't in his room cutting himself. Carefully, I climbed out the window and onto the branch of the tree. It was slippery but I held on tight until I reached his window. I tapped on it and didn't get a response.

He comes in and out of my room when he wants, why can't I?

I pulled the window open and climbed in. Ashton wasn't sitting on his bed, so I thought maybe he was downstairs until I heard something in his closet.

I walked over to it and opened it slowly. "Ashton?"

The light from his room filled his closet enough for me to see him sitting on the floor in his closet, staring straight ahead at the wall. There was a razor blade in front of him and his bracelets were scattered on the floor.

"Ashton," I breathed, looking for his hands, which were in the sleeves of his sweatshirt he was wearing.

I moved his bracelets and the razor blade out of the way and sat in front of him. He looked at me and his face was full of absolute pain.

"Let me see your arms," I said quietly.

He held his arms out to me, shaking. I pulled his sleeves up and there were slits... But they didn't look recent.

"Ashton." I threw my arms around him, beginning to cry. Why was he doing this to himself? Why did he feel like he deserved this? No one deserves this, not even the worst people in the world. Why was he doing it to himself?

He pulled my close to him, his face in my shoulder. He started full on sobbing, in a way I'd never seen him cry before. It almost felt like he was releasing something that had built up for a long time.

"Why do you keep doing this?" I asked, and he didn't say anything back, he just held me tighter, gripping the back of my sweater with his hands. I wasn't going to let him go. He had been here for me through everything, it's my turn to be here for him.

His entire body was shaking, he was crying so hard. I didn't even know this side of Ashton existed. He was so strong and didn't let anything tear him down. He was so fragile, so weak and vulnerable and to be completely honest it scared me to see him this way. Similar to the way it scared me to see Sam like this.

I don't even know how long it was that I held him as he cried, but I didn't care. Whatever it was going to take, I was willing to do.

Finally, Ashton pulled away and looked at me, his eyes red and cheeks splotchy from crying. "I can't believe this."

"What?" I asked.

"I was going to cut... I was going to do it," he said. "And I was literally about 2 seconds away from picking up the blade when you opened the closet door."