Hallelujah

chapter sixty-five

"Do you ever think we weren't meant to be together?" I asked.

"What?" Brendon asked shocked. I could feel the tears start falling out of my eyes as I looked at him.

"Do you ever think that maybe all these bad things kept happening in our relationship because the universe doesn't want us together, don't you ever think that maybe we should have just broken up the first time and learned from our lesson and gone on with our lives. Don't you think that maybe I just shouldn't have been nosey and snuck behind the church to find you that one day after church. Don't you think that maybe you and Pete should have never made the bet or better yet made the bet with a different girl. You can't tell me that after all the stupid shit that has happened over the past year you honestly think we were made to be together?" I said. I was full on crying now.

"Alex what are you saying?" he said nervously.

"I'm saying that I can't go through this summer knowing that it's only for the summer, I can't live knowing that no matter what we do now that as soon as august comes around you'll be going to New York and I'll be left behind in LA. I'm saying that maybe we should just stop trying right now before anything else happens, we stop right now. We end on the best terms ever right now so that neither of us can suffer from heartbreak when it comes that time. Because Brendon I've enjoyed this rollercoaster of life with you this past year but quite frankly I don't think I can survive another heart break from you."

"Alex, we still have this summer can't we cherish that?" he asked walking towards me.

"No, don't you understand that if we do that saying goodbye at the end will be twice as hard. We cannot keep playing ourselves like this Brendon neither of us deserve it." My breathing was uneven and my tears were falling like a river.

"Alex you know I love you and I would do anything to keep you," he said trying not to cry too.

He leaned in and kissed me. I took a deep breath and stepped back. I turned around and faced my dresser.

"Alex," he said quietly.

"Brendon, we have to stop here. This is where it all ends, this past year was amazing, thank you so much for everything. I mean that honestly, but we need to end on these good terms right now before anything more happens."

"I love you."

"You have to go, please Brendon," I said. I stayed quiet and so did he. I turned around and yelled this time, "Just go!" but there was no one there, he was gone. He had left. I sat down on my bed and started to cry harder now.

I knew I did that right thing but I couldn't believe I did. I sat alone for ten minutes at least just crying to myself before Hannah finally came home and found me. She ran in and hugged me tightly.

"What happened?" she asked shocked.

"It's okay, we ended on good terms this time, finally. Brendon and I ended on good terms," I said trying to convince myself more than her.

"Alex, oh my god, I'm so sorry!" she said hugging me. She rocked me back and forth and my phone started buzzing. "It's Brendon," she said quietly. I shook my head.

"I can't right now," I cried. She nodded and let it ring until the end. We both sat there together, the only sound coming from my running nose and my uneven breathing.

"I'm going to get us some hot tea," she said walking into the kitchen. I sat on my bed still unable to move. I heard Hannah's phone ring. She answered so I knew it wasn't Brendon.

"Yeah one second," I heard her say as she walked in. Her eyes looked glossed over with tears and she handed the phone to me. "Um, it's Patrick," she said her voice shakey. I looked at her confused and held the phone to my ear.

"How are you holding up?" Patrick asked.

"I'm okay, we ended on good terms so it's okay," I said.

"Wait Alex, you didn't hear?" he asked. I heard him cough back some tears and I started to feel my heart break.

"Patrick are you crying? What happened?" I asked panicked now. I looked over at Hannah who obviously knew what was going on and she was in tears on the floor now.

"Alex, Brendon was on his way home, and a semi swerved in front of him and hit him head on," he said calmly.

"What? Oh my god, I'm coming to the hospital, where is he? Is he okay? I'm heading out now what's the address?" I asked so many questions my brain couldn't process everything right now. All I could think of was that this could not be happening.

"Alex," he said cutting off my train of thought. "He died at the scene."

I dropped to my knees immediately and started to cry Hannah ran to me to hug me but I pushed her away.

"Alex, I'm coming over," Patrick said.

"No, I'm fine, really. I just need to be alone," I said. He agreed and hung up the phone. My sobs got louder as I banged my fist against the floor.

"Hannah, can I be alone for a few minutes please?" I asked between cries. She nodded and walked out of my room closing my door behind her. I stood up and looked in my mirror. My face was covered in tear stains from the past week and from today.

I was wrong, we didn't end on good terms. We didn't end without heartbreak. In fact right now what I was feeling was the biggest heartbreak of my life. And I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be able to recover from it.

My phone buzzed which snapped me out of my thoughts. I grabbed it from my bed and checked the notification.

"Voicemail from: Brendon Urie"