Hallelujah

chapter thirty-seven

It was no surprise to me that I couldn't fall asleep. I was too worried about Brendon. I was too anxious about seeing him. I was too scared he wouldn't want to see me. And I was terrified of how I was going to react to seeing him again. I slipped out from under my blanket and threw on a sweater. I had to skillfully step over bodies without tripping or waking them up and I was surprised I made it to the door without waking any one. I slid open the glass doors to where a balcony would be if we weren't on the ground floor.

The pool was dimly lit and I thought back to the night Brendon and I went swimming at Ryan's. Everything I had felt with Brendon was so special to me, even if it all started with a bet. In the distance I could see the city and all its lights. It looked so much calmer from far away. The door behind me opened and I saw Ryan walking out and coming towards me.

"I'm worried too," he said quietly.

"It's just so weird that all he left was that note and all it was about was the bet, me, and a gambling problem he has," I said chuckling a bit.

"I know, but that's Brendon for you. Always presenting things dramatically, he's always been like that. Even when we were kids, he would always go on adventures but every time he left he made sure we were able to find him. As much as he didn't care about a single thing he wanted to make sure he could come back and live his life again."

"He sure is an interesting person," I said smiling at all the adventures I had been on with him in the short time we were together. "I just miss him, and I'm so scared of how he's going to react to seeing me."

"Alex, you're the only person that knew where he kept his spare key. I don't think it was an accident that you're leading us on our little mission," he said laughing at the word mission. "Brendon knows what he's doing, he's always prepared and he's always one step ahead of you even when he's headed nowhere."

I knew Ryan was right. Brendon always seemed to know how things were going to play out before anyone else did. He was always on top of it even when it hadn't happened yet. He was smart like that.

"I just hope that wherever he is he's alright and he's not getting into too much trouble," i said honestly. I just wanted to hug him, as much as I wanted to hit him.

"Alex I don't know how you can be such a forgiving person but I know that Brendon needs you in his life. Whether that be as a girlfriend or as a best friend. He needs you and that's all I know," Ryan said. Ryan talked with his hands a lot and I laughed at how extreme he was.

"I'm super glad we're doing this. I'm glad you guys all agreed to coming with. I missed you all but I just felt like I couldn't bring myself to call you and say I needed you."

"You can always call me Alex. You're one of my best friends and I will always answer without hesitation," he said smiling. His teeth were reflecting in the moonlight and his oversized sweater made him look like he was drowning in clothes.

We sat quietly just watching the pool in front of us as it occasionally bubbled from the filters on the side.

"So you really think it could be a song?" I asked.

"The note?" Ryan asked. "I think it's that's the most logical thing right now. Brendon writes when he's stressed, he writes when he can't explain things right. Music is the only thing he believes in, most people have gods or other things they believe in but Brendon's religion is music. It's the only thing he believes is powerful enough to heal broken wounds."

"Brendon is so different, I can't even put into words how different he is," I said quietly.

"You miss him a lot don't you?" he asked leaning in for a side hug.

"More than anything. As much as he hurt me I can't stop caring about him and it's driving me insane because I don't want to care as much as I do but I do." I took a deep breath. "And it sucks."

"I get it bud," he said laughing. "We've all been there, and if we haven't it'll happen eventually. It happens to everyone at some point."

"Ryan you know how to give some good advice," I said. "Thank you. I needed it."

"I've been told that before," he said as he pretended to flip invisible hair back. I just laughed and soon he joined in with me.

We ended up staying awake until the sunrise just talking about random things. It was nice to talk to Ryan I hadn't really talked to him like this for a couple weeks and we had more catching up to do than I thought.

I was confused with myself as to how I went from being a complete depressed mess this morning to finally feeling that small sense of adventure again.

And I was happy.