Hallelujah

chapter thirty-nine

Going out wasn't exactly my ideal plan for the night but I knew Hannah was right. I had to take some time to just have fun and not stress over anything. I had to treat myself. I spent the last week in my sweatpants and an oversized sweater; my hair hadn't been done the entire time and I hadn't done anything productive or fun.

It was a Friday night and I had to do something to cause a distraction from my racing thoughts and if that meant putting on a party dress and letting Hannah doll me up so be it.

"You look amazing," Hannah said as she curled the last strand of my hair.

"Thank you Han, you're the best person I could ever have," I said turning around and hugging her.

"You deserve to be happy and I'm just going to try my hardest to bring back that confident Alex girl I knew just a week ago. I miss her so much," she said looking me straight in the eye.

"I'll be back soon enough, I just need time," I said sighing. She nodded which told me she understood completely. We walked out of the bathroom and found the guys all dressed up in button down shirts and their hair was all done nicely.

"Would you look at that, we have the most beautiful female friends known to man," Dallon said pointing to Hannah and I. I laughed and looked at myself once more in the mirror. I wore a decent length red dress that was tighter on the top than it was at the bottom. It was beautiful and I just wished I could feel more confident in it than I was currently feeling.

"Let's go have fun," Pete said grinning and practically pushing us out the door.

We started our night off with a dinner that had too small of portions and too big a bill, but tonight wasn't about money. Tonight was about life, and living. In the end I knew this would be one of those memories I look back on and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I knew I would sooner or later make a mental list of all the other things I could have bought with the money I was going to spend tonight, but I wouldn't change anything in this moment.

We ended up at a black jack table gambling our cash away like any other person in the casino. Luckily I was winning some of my money back, definitely not as much as I was spending but it was at least something.

I was having a good time but at the same time I just wanted to be alone for a bit. I could've gone back to our room but I had a feeling Pete was up there with the darling front desk lady. I needed to take a small break so I leaned over to Hannah who was sitting a little too close to Dallon.

"I'll be back; I'm going to go on a little walk. I need some fresh air and a break," I said.

"Okay, just stay safe and keep your phone with you please," she said with a hint of concern in her voice.

"Okay mom," I winked as I headed towards the exit. I walked out the front doors and felt the warm Nevada air hit my bare legs.

I wasn't exactly sure where I wanted to go all I knew is that I had to get away for a bit. As exciting as the city was I just had to get away for a few minutes. I decided on walking down the least busy street and watching the people pass me by.

A woman and a man who looked in love.

A man who sat on the curb asking for change.

A lady dressed in full work attire that seemed to be waiting for a taxi.

A small cluster of people standing near the bus stop.

A couple who were kissing on a bench in front of a huge fountain.

I walk over to the fountain and watched the water roll from the top to the bottom where it created a small pool. The bottom covered in pennies, covered in wishes people made. I wondered to myself how many of those wishes had come true and how many were just wasted wishes. I dug through my purse and pulled out a penny. I turned my back to the fountain and squeezed my eyes shut. I gripped the penny tight and made a wish as I tossed it over my shoulder and into the pit of wasted wishes. I opened my eyes and squinted at the sight in front of me.

A large water tower in the distance caught my eye. It was Brendon's water tower. I needed to get away from everything so I figured that would be the perfect place for me so I followed the same path we had taken that night he snuck me out.

I climbed the ladder on the side and when I reached the top I caught my breath. The city looked exactly the same, bright, busy and full of excitement and I was glad to be away from it for now. I stood there taking in the scenery like I had never even seen it before, it all felt different when I was alone.

It was quiet up here and I was enjoying it. After traveling with a minivan full of people I needed some time alone, I needed some quiet. My mind wouldn't stop replaying every moment with Brendon though. Every single word he had ever said to me was burned into my head. All his features were still visible to me. I didn't even realize I was crying until I looked at myself in my phones reflection and found my mascara all over my face. I looked like a complete mess but it didn't matter to me, I was alone and I had to let it all out eventually.

I let myself cry for a while before I finally composed myself. I tied my hair up into a messy bun and wiped away my excess makeup from my face. I peeled the heels off my feet and fixed my dress so it felt more comfortable.

"I just want to live again," I said to no one in particular. "I want to feel free again. I want to feel like Alex again."

Everything was silent except for the wind rustling the trees below and the muffled music coming from the city. It was exactly where I needed to be.

I was alone finally. Well kind of alone. Like I said before I've been wrong about a lot of things recently.

"Alex?"