Lock & Key *Camren*

Chapter 25

{WARNING: TRIGGERING}


Lauren's POV:

I stared at the TV screen watching the credits roll, I glanced down at everyone, Mani slowly sat up and looked at the rest of the girls. 

"They're all asleep" she told me. 

I just nodded at her, not wanting to speak knowing that i would break. 

"You okay?" She asked her eyebrows furrowed together. 

I just nodded my head at her again. 

I wasn't okay but there wasn't really anything wrong with me either, I'm just in a weird mood, I feel I don't know kind of numb I guess, not really wanting to talk, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for no particular reason, it's just how I'm feeling at the Moment, I look at Mani and she can see I'm in a world of my own, I just want to be alone, but all of the girls are asleep on me and I know Camila would never leave me when she knows I want to be left alone, she'll want to care and look after me, but I just don't want that right now, I love her I really do but sometimes it's good to just be alone with my thoughts.

"You want to be alone don't you?" She asked.

I nodded my head again tears prickling at the corner of my eyes. 

"Go to our room okay?" She said. 

I don't know how I managed to do it but I slowly climbed out of the bed not disturbing anyone, I'm surprised Camila didn't wake up because she's the lightest sleeper out of all of us, but I'm glad she's asleep still, atleast I'll get a little while to be alone. 

I took Mani's room key mouthing a ThankYou to her, she gave me a small smile and I walked out of the room and next door.

I turned all the lights off and climbed into one of the beds just starring into darkness as tears slowly slipped down my face, this wasn't a good idea, my demons are seeping into my head asking me cut, I can't cut, I promised Camz I would never do it again, and i honestly do not want to do it again, i am tired of being ordered around by voices that do not exist, my voice exists, my voice is the only one that matters, the one that counts, not the ones in my head, they are not real. 

I replayed the night over in my head when I first showed Camila my scars, the way her fingertips run over them, when she brushed her lips over all of my scars, she loves me, I can't hurt myself because that will only hurt her, I can't do that, but the urge is so strong, but i will fight it, i need to fight it, for myself, for Camila, it's not healthy, i need to be healthy. 

I close my eyes taking deep breaths and counting to ten, you can do this Lauren just ignore the voices, ignore the urge, I kept my eyes closed, my fingers tracing my scars over and over trying to remember the feeling so i don't have to do it, i don't want to do it, please don't make me, i am begging, please just go away, leave me alone, i can do this, i can stay strong, i can fight the urge, i can, i can do it,  I can't I really can't, I stand up walking into the bathroom finding a razor, I drop it to the floor stomping on it watching as the plastic scattered around the floor and the blades fell out, I carefully picked up the blade making sure not to cut my fingers, silly isn't it? i am worried about cutting myself when i am literally about to cut myself, how messed up is that? I sat down on the toilet, I ran my finger over the edge feeling the sharpness, I don't want to do this, someone please stop me, I don't want to but the urge, please why isn't no one stopping me? why did i think it was a good idea to be alone? i should have never left the room, i am so stupid for leaving the room, i need stop this, please i don't want to, but it's my hands had a mind of their own, I rested the blade on my thigh, all I have to do is push and watch blood drip down my leg, Lauren stop, you don't need to this, think about Camila and how much it will hurt her, but I need it, I need to feel it, i need to feel the rush in my blood, it's such a good feeling. 
"LAUREN NO" 

I jumped shocked dropping the blade to the floor as I see Camila standing in the doorway, only then did I feel the tears falling down my face, I brought my hands up to my face breaking down and sobbing into them, I felt Camila wrap her arms around my body holding me close. 

She found me, she stopped me, i didn't do it, i am okay i have no cuts, just scars, too many of them, but i am okay, i am clean, i wish i had to power to be able to stop it myself, but the voices are too much, they make me think that i want it, that i need it, but i don't, i need Camila, that's what i need, My demons are my worst enemies. 

"It's okay I'm here" she whispered playing with my hair. 

As i sobbed heavily into her chest, my fingers bunched around her shirt holding onto her tightly. 

"Did you do it?" She asked softly a few minutes later. 

I shook my head once, but she knew what i meant. 

"I'm proud of you Lauren, you can get through this I promise you, I'm here always" she carefully picked me up carrying me to the bedroom laying me on the bed, she pulled my back to her chest, wrapping her arm around my waist spooning me. 

In this moment i feel safe, in this moment i feel okay, so why can i not be okay when i am alone? i don't want to be dependent on Camila, but i guess i have to be, i need her to help me, it's so hard to stop when you are alone, i need her help, and her guidance, she knows how to make me feel okay again, how to make me feel special, she is all i need in the world, i will be okay as long as she remains by my side. 

"I love you Camila" I whispered. 

"I love you too Lauren Michelle Jauregui, I will always be here for you" she whispered back and pressed her lips to the back of my neck sending shivers down my spine, and goosebumps covering all of my body. 

Camila let out a small giggle noticing, I couldn't help but smile, she makes me feel so much better about myself.

Even when i want to feel bad about myself Camila doesn't allow me to, she tries her hardest everyday to make me feel beautiful, and for that i am forever grateful. 

To be continued...


SORRYY I SUCK SO BAD LATELY!!! I've been .... Distracted and just completely blank!
But you guys kept asking for an update sooo here it is :)

Lily x