excerpts

14.0

I have this friend who knows absolutely everything about me from the inside out. My friend knows all of my fears and hopes and dreams and has lived through every single one of my memories with me. My friend is toxic. My friend knows everything there is to know about me, even the things I don't like to admit. My friend uses my weaknesses against me. My friend pushes my down and tells me I'm worthless and useless. I've tried to make my friend leave, but I never could. My friend kept coming back, constant as the pulse that runs through my wrist. My friend isn't sadistic, if that's what you're thinking. When my friend belittles me, my friend feels powerless, instead of powerful. Destroying me gives my friend pain, yet my friend can't help it. My friend can't stop. My friend might never stop breaking me down and hiding me behind walls, telling me that it's for my own good if I hide from the world. I won't get hurt if I'm not around other people. That's something I used to tell myself. If I get rid of my friends then I won't have anyone to make me feel like I'm nothing at all. It was only once I'd pushed everyone away that I realized — I am the one who hurts me the most.