excerpts

6.1

Having anxiety is the worst feeling in the world. It's uncontrollable, something that constantly looms over your head, waiting for the perfect moments to strike. Everything triggers my anxiety. I worry over small things the most, things I know are dumb and shouldn't concern me because nobody really cares- but I do.

I fear getting into cars. I don't ever sit shotgun if I can absolutely avoid it. I always have a seatbelt on no matter how close my destination is. My car anxiety has only gotten worse since the accident. Every time I see a car I start to breathe faster and my head hurts.

I'm terrified of how people might look at me at school. I always think that they're judging the way I walk and how I look when I sit down in a desk. That's my daily panic- trying to sit down in a desk without attracting attention from making noise or being the only one standing up. My face feels really hot if I try to get things from my backpack because I think that people are judging me and staring.

I find it hard to talk to strangers and come off as distant or aloof, usually using sarcasm as a buffer to shield myself and my worries. When I get home I can't sleep because I'm beating myself up about all the stupid things I said.

I hate when people try to touch me. I know people who like to give hugs and so I try to comply and not act completely horrified. But I really, really, really, detest being touched. Hugs are the stupidest social norms ever. If my anxiety let me, I'd body slam anyone who even touched my hair. Sometimes I get so frozen with fear that I just don't know how to react.

And there's only about one person I'm okay with giving me hugs outside of my family. Even my close friends make me feel uncomfortable.

Just meeting people strikes fear into my heart. I don't know what to say. Should I be the one to greet them? Should I say hi or hey or hello? I don't know. And that panic in my mind lapses over real world time so I seem like I'm ignoring people.

And then I go home and berate myself again about saying the wrong thing- or having lack of words.

I hate that people try to tell me that it's not a big deal to just say hi to someone or when they tell me to calm down its not a big deal when I'm clearly having a panic attack. I can't control it. I don't know how to calm down. Will someone please just understand?

I even get anxiety going to practice after school. I feel sick the whole day just thinking about it. And I want to throw up.

I constantly force myself into positions that give me anxiety to try and get over it but it's not working. I've lived my life in fear of fear and life and everything in between.

I've tried to help myself and heal on my own and get better. But it's not working. People ask me if I'm even trying. If I'm trying to be happy. To be better.

"Are you making an effort to be in the best state of mental health you can? Well, you should be."

It's like they think I'm not trying. Like I'm not trying when I have to force myself to get out of bed and face my fears day after day. Like Im not trying when I have to make eye contact with people. Like I'm not even trying by having a mental breakdown through my entire half hour walk to school thinking about everything that will go wrong. Like I can even control the things that go through my mind.

Do you really think identifying my issues is going to help me solve my life's problems? That, after I do that, all I need to do next is try to be better?

You can't deal with anxiety like you deal with not being able to play a sport or a game or draw something. You can't just try harder and have everything magically be better. Anxiety doesn't let that happen. When I'm trying harder it looks pathetic. My best days are synonymous with my worst. My entire life is a struggle to keep living, because sometimes even the simple exchange of oxygen is beyond my capacity.

Trying harder looks like being able to put on clothes without breaking down in tears.

Trying harder looks like putting on clothes and still breaking down in tears.

Trying harder is getting into a car and clenching my fists the entire way, nails digging ravines into my palms that last for hours and sting for days.

Trying harder is being able to look at a car without wanting to vomit.

I'm constantly trying harder.

And sometimes my best try backpedals my progress.

But that doesn't mean I don't try.