excerpts

9.3

I'm lost.

It's like I'm wandering around this familiar place but I have no idea where to go.

My entire future is a giant question mark. I don't know if I'll have one, or if I even want one.

I regret my past. So many moments I would take back. Yet I want to rewind time.

Ignorance. Bliss. Peace. Life was so much simpler. Sometimes I wish that I'd kept my eyes closed instead of opening them, because the world is such a cold place.

I hate having feelings. I want to be numb. I don't want to feel. Everything is too much to handle, like I'm struggling under the weight of a thousand heavy consciences.

Life is tough, but so are things like school and sports and clubs. But I can handle those because I know why I have to. I know why I'm there.

I don't know why I'm here or why I'm alive or what my purpose is. I don't have any merits or talents, I'm just here.

And I don't understand.

A lot of the time, I don't see the point in being alive.

Every single day is monotonous. I'll wake up and be stressed out for the next eighteen hours before I finally collapse asleep, and I don't even dream anymore, it's like I'm dead inside and I have nowhere to go.

Sleeping is a temporary escape from reality.

Death is permanent.

But who knows what's on the other side?

It can't be as bad as this.