excerpts

4.9

Sometimes I feel resigned. I'll slump against the headboard of my bed that used to be the bottom portion of a bunk bed and just sit. I feel a strange sense of false calm. There's things I should be doing, worrying about- but somehow nothing matters to me in the moment. I know I should be concerned with my grades and studying ahead because precalc is much tougher than it actually seems and SSRs deadline is actually almost here- but I really can't find it within myself to care. But I know I should. But I just can't.

It's like when the term ended, so did my motivation. I was doing phenomenally in school, fully engrossed in studies and homework and starting to like it since I was beginning to learn.

Then finals passed and so did I and my mood of over achievement. Now I'm not even achievement. I'm just here.

This world just tastes so bland. Is getting good grades the only thing that should matter to me? Why is it that the academic accomplishments or failures of my toughest years defines my entire life?

I believe that we should learn and continue to be educated, but towards a better purpose. What's school even for? Actively raising awareness on the impending danger that comes from a girl wearing a shirt that exposes her shoulders?

That's total BS. We don't learn things like empathy or how to sew or balancing a checkbook. We don't develop vital life skills. Nobody teaches us how to be adults, yet the world expects us to figure it out on our own and be perfect on our first try.

Adults say that we are just teenagers. It sucks to be a teenager. You're too young to be carefree yet too old to make decisions that matter, so you're stuck in between with a head full of regrets and a mouth full of opinions. Maybe we are just teenagers, too caught up in our little existential crises to even recognize that there are bigger things going on in life than some stupid crush or an outfit or even a test.

Sometimes you need to take a step back from everything and stop. Put everything on hold, for just a moment. And in that moment you can see the bigger picture. Yes, global warming will be an issue in the next ten years. No, my selfie will not. Yes, my texting can wait. No, this work cannot.

We make priorities, promises, plans, then do the opposite; we are volatile and reckless, wandering souls amidst a world of plastic perfections coating the flaws that lie beneath each crevice.

We are teenagers and people who procrastinate and really shouldn't, but at some point we need to realize that life is not just about the little moments or the big ones, but everything put together all at once.

You have the bitter and the sweet, the good and the bad, the happy and sad. But that's life, and you never get what you want, but somehow, what you weren't expecting is better than what you could've wished for.

So yes, I will feel resigned at times, like life is too stressful to keep living, like I just want to quit being a perfect student and give up, settling for B grades. But I just need to remind myself every now and then that my feelings are only temporary. I will pick myself up the next day and find the strength to keep moving. Every single day is a brand new chapter in the story of your life.

What will you write on the next blank page?