Troubled -A Part of Dark like Me.-

*45* Sinking In

My eyes widen to my surprise my mother is standing talking to Dr. Axel. However, this lady doesn't look like my mother or the mother I know, she looks like a much better and younger version of my mother.

"Hello, Allyira." She says with a gentle smile.

I am frozen in place.

"I will leave you two alone." Dr. Axel leaves the room and closes the door behind her.

"Allyira?" My mother calls my name in concern.

"Yes?"

"I heard you are doing very well for yourself here." She leans against the desk.

"Yes, I am."

She sighs and folds her arms, "Allyira, I am getting help for a lot of issues that have been causing harm to this family. Drinking was just a way to cope with the issues I have been holding in for so long."

I sit on the sofa and continue to listen to what my mother has to tell me.

"I never meant to hurt you or this family with what I was doing. But, I do want you to really understand something."

I nod.

She looks defeated, "I had Bradly when I was just 17 years old by your father, then I got pregnant another time when I was 19 years old. However, I lost the babies. They were twins."

I blink and listen.

"I know 19 years old, that was a long time ago. A long time to hold a grudge as well or be upset. But, the miscarriages just kept on happening and the doctors could not figure out why I could no longer carry a baby to full term anymore. " 

She then smiles, "Then you came, but by that time, I was stone cold and drank every day since then. I barely graduated from college; I could not get a job in the field I wanted. I felt like when your father got that job at the hospital, he just abandoned me in my time of need. I was a hallow shell of the woman I used to be and wanted to be. I could not take care of you or Carolyn. Then, I had another baby," Her eyes beam with much happiness and excitement. "She was a gorgeous dark skin color with large brown eyes. I instantly fell in love with her."

Just as the excitement came, it quickly faded and replaced with a horrible grim depression that I felt blanket me. "It wasn't your father's; he made me give her up. It was either give her up or he'd leave me." 

She shakes her head, "I had to make the hardest decision of my life. Her name is Sirrah Keyarra Toriella Kross. Since then, I've started drinking heavily every day. I even tried a few recreational drugs, but your father threatened to leave me if I kept them up. So, I dropped them but still drank."

Listening to my mother's confession for her reason for drinking and not being able to properly care for my siblings and me is completely heartbreaking. Also, to know that I have a half-sister out there somewhere is a little more than I could swallow. Because Carolyn and I aren't really close like I thought we would have been.

I blink at my mother, speechless. Only a slight groan comes from my parted lips. What do you say to this? Say to your mother telling you about her life and revealing that there is another child running around in the world. What do you say?

I sigh and stand up. Walking up to her, we look each other in the eyes. Her's are a dark gray and mine are hazel. Many questions are running through my mind. Where did my mother's motivation go to live a happy and healthy life? How could a beautiful, smart, college-educated young lady be so weak and gullible to depression and drug abuse? The one question on my mind is; how could she have kept another sibling from Carolyn, Bradly, and me?

Other than that, she looks absolutely stunning. The deep mistrust and guidance from her has caused me a great deal of pain over the years but from hearing her story, it seems that my pain didn't compare to what she's been through.

"I am still getting help and it is harder than I thought it was going to be. But, I am doing it for you, Carolyn, Grayson, and Bradly. I have to get myself together before I can ta----start taking care of you and your siblings and my grandson." She chuckles, "I think Bradly will need my help more due to him always being in trouble. Carolyn has her boyfriend and she has always done well on her own. Then there is you."

I tilt my head to the side. "Me?"

"Yes, I need....to do a lot with you. I have treated you the worst out of my children. I guess I saw a lot of myself in you more than Carolyn and Bradly. Me before I became this way and I took it out on you. I as a mother shouldn't have done that." She looks down. "If you will let me, I can be a better mother towards you, Allyira."

"I don't know." I finally get a chance to say. "There is a lot of hurt and pain. I mean...I guess it all makes sense now. The way I hear it, it sounds like father didn't really take good care of you and you felt that."

She looks up and nods. "He wasn't there with the miscarriages. It was a horrible moment for me. But, he could step in when I got pregnant from someone else."

"I can see that. So, it's not all your fault. I can try, though. To give you the chance to be a better mother towards me. But, you have to fix yourself first."

"Well, we can start somewhere." She looks at her watch. "My time is up. I have to get back to my own institution." She reaches out and gives me a hug.

I am so not ready for this. It brings back the good memories of when I was smaller. Her warm hugs were all I needed to make my day better. Unable to resist the love from my mother I have always wanted, I hug her back tightly and break down in tears. I finally stop crying after a few minutes, we let go of each other and she wipes my eyes with the pads of her fingers.

Dr. Axel enters with a smile; my mother turns to her, "Is it possible to have a pass for an off Academy day?"

Dr. Axel nods, "It all depends on Allyira's behavior here and since she has been doing exceptionally well. I am sure the head admin would not mind issuing her a pass. We just need a day and a time in and out."

This is so surreal to me. I would never have thought my mother and I would have some kind of understanding or be able to get along. My mother turns to me, "How about Friday?"

"Tomorrow?" I question.

"Yes, in the afternoon? Around 2:30?"

I nod, "S-sure."

"Great. I will see you then." She exits but not before giving me another tight hug.

I stare at her as she leaves.

"Are you okay, Allyira?" Dr. Axel puts her hand on my shoulder for comfort.

"Surprisingly, I am great. It went better than I thought it would go."