Troubled -A Part of Dark like Me.-

*20* Knowing My Pain

I leave the classroom and go outside to start my walk home. On my walk, I see my father's car pull up beside me. I hop in and he zooms off so he wouldn't get caught behind any buses.

"Caroline had her baby." He informs me.

I smile, "What is it?"

"A boy. A healthy boy with brown hair and hazel eyes." He beams.

I beam as well. Then it fades, "Was Persson there?"

Persson Lam is Caroline's on and off again boyfriend of 3 years. He is a wanna be rapper and gangster in which father does not approve of. But, Caroline did not care what father or even mother thought and ended up getting pregnant with his baby. Throughout Caroline's pregnancy, Persson has only attended two doctor visits.

"Surprisingly yes. He smelled odd, though. Before he held the baby, I made him go wash up." He answers.

I nod. I surely hope that he does what he is supposed to do or even keep all the promises he told Caroline before and after she got pregnant. Because so far, Persson hasn't fulfilled any of them.

We pull up at the hospital and we go in. Sometimes, I dread coming in here due to Bradly having to come here to have his tummy pumped a few times trying to attempt suicide.

Entering in Caroline's room, I see huge balloons that are blue and specifically informing 'it's a boy'. I see my mother knocked out in a chair in the corner.

Caroline looks at me after shaking her head at mother, "Hey Allyira." she excitedly and tiredly waves.

"Hey Caroline. How are you?" I go to her side and sit a little on her bed.

"Tired, but I am okay. Check your nephew." She tilts her head to the small bassinet.

I peek and there is a blue bundle sleeping soundly in it. "Aww, have you named him?"

"Yep. I named him Grayson Hunter Kross." She smiles looking at her baby.

"That is very handsome and it fits him."

Caroline nods, "I think so too."

I hug Caroline and she hugs me back. Letting go, I see mother shift around in the chair, stretch, and wake up.

"Oh, Allyira. Did not know you were here." She rubs her eyes and yawns.

She must be coming off whatever drink she had before coming to the hospital. "Just got here," I say.

"Oh. Did she tell you the baby's name?" She asks getting up and looking at the baby. Father sits in the other chair, he looks as if he is not in the mood for whatever his wife is about to say.

"Yes, I love it." I say looking at Grayson. He shifts a little then falls back to sleep.

"Hmmph, I think it's a mess and sounds as if it came from out of a movie or book." She judges. "But, it's her baby."

I shake my head while looking at Caroline. Signaling her, not to worry about what mother has to say about her baby or the baby's name. Caroline nods understanding my signals.

Grayson is a very lovely baby, just like father described to me. I want to hold the baby, but my hands aren't clean. Mother goes to the door, "I am going for food." She leaves.

My stomach growls but I pay it no mind, however, my father says, "I'll get you something, Allyira." He leaves, closing the door behind him.

"Father told me about the new school you are thinking about going to, Allyira." Caroline speaks while carefully sitting up in bed, I tr to assist her.

"Yes, I am seriously thinking about it. Because the way mother acts, I don't want to be that way with my children, if I decide to have any. I fret about my unseeable future.

"I know. I believe you should go, Allyira because father is offering this to you. He offered it to Bradly and he didn't take it for some reason. With me, he didn't offer it for whatever reason, but I am okay with that. I don't want to have to bury you because you cut too deep."

Bradly and Caroline are the only ones who knew of my pain releasing ways. I have learned to hide the cuts well over the years, but now. . . father knows and I made him swear to never tell mother.

"I know, Caroline. I just. . ." I am not sure why Caroline is the one trying to convince me into going, but I do see her reasoning for wanting me to go. "I don't know."

"I want you to get better, Ally. Seriously." Caroline says choking back tears.

Seeing my sister cry and passing out when Bradly got arrested then when he confessed to the charges just to get away from the bullshit mother is doing and the uptight way of my father. All of it made me consider really telling father I would go. Just leaving my sister and brother is what's holding me back and I know Caroline can see that.

"Bradly will be okay and so will I." She chuckles. "I have Grayson to keep me company even if Persson doesn't come around anymore."

I sigh, "I know."

Father comes in with a Chik-fil-a bag and cups. "I got you a salad and vanilla milkshakes for the both of you."

I and Caroline cheer silently as to not wake Grayson. Father laughs, waking Grayson up, then stops once he sees Grayson's huge hazel eyes looking around. I watch him. If I go, I know I am going to miss him growing up and being his auntie. I am going to miss a lot from my sister and my brother, but I know that this is something I have to do for myself and my own sanity. Or what's left of it.