Troubled -A Part of Dark like Me.-

*43* Choices

*Tuesday*

"Do you think seeing your mother would be a good idea, Allyira? I mean it's only been a few weeks for her." Dr. Axel concerns.

"I don't know. I am 18 years old now. I can make my own choices, well...been making them before now. But, I just want to see her. I know she has not been the best mother in the world. But she is still my mother." I explain to Dr. Axel.

Dr. Axel smiles at me, proud of me. I am playing with the magnet people, listening to Dr. Axel and thinking if seeing my mother is a good idea. "I figured since she's sobered up a little, I can get some answers from her or something." I continued.

"I know. What if you never get those answers?"

I hate 'what if' questions. "I don't know. I'll just make my own opinion; you know?"

Dr. Axel nods. "Well, I can call where she is and see if she is...okay enough to talk to you."

I smile grateful. "Oh, that would be just lovely to have. Or it can be a total disaster." I frown now thinking of the worse.

"Don't down this chance at finding this out Allyira."

Dr. Axel is always so positive about so many things, that I am negative about.

"Alright. I just don't want to be...let down again." I tell her.

"I can understand. Only way to know is to try." She grins.

When I first told her about this, she was very concerned and I understood because of all the mess I have told her about what my mother has said and done. I can see why she would be concerned.

"I want to try it out." I finally make up my mind.

Dr. Axel nods and scribbles the notes down. "What...have are you and Shakur?"

"Uh, I.... we are fine. He has to go to recovery soon."

"You thinking about going with him when he leaves?" Dr. Axel asks me.

My eyes shoot up at Dr. Axel. "That has not crossed my mind."

"Oh? Well, you know you are to be released as soon as we are sure you are healthy enough and can function without self-harm." She inputs.

"How long does it normally take to process that?" I ask still trying to make he magnet people stand up.

"For teens; three to six months. For young adults six months to a year. But, it all depends on how the person does in that process. Some have gotten out earlier while others stayed longer. You have been here for four months and you have made some really amazing progress as well. You haven't gone to your pottery class yet."

"I start today but I would like to stay for a while longer to make sure I am really ready to be out in the real world." I say all dramatic like.

"Psh," Dr. Axel scoffs playfully, "you only want to stay because of Shakur."

I laugh. "No and yes. Yes, because I do like Shakur, a lot. No, because I really want to make sure that I am alright to be out in the world."

"Mature thinking."

The annoying bell rings. "I will see you later," I say ready to go and putting the magnet people back on the table by me.

"Okay."

I leave and go to my writing class first. Surprisingly, I see Violet and Meme there and take my seat by them.

"Hey, when did you get transferred here?" Meme asks me.

"Two days ago or so. Mr. Spaggiari-."

"Was a mess." Violet finishes for me.

"Yes, he was." I agree.

"Ha, well. This class is great." Meme beams. "Dr. Samora is great."

Dr. Samora walks in just in time and hands out people's notebooks. Then gives I and Meme a new notebook, it's really thick and mine has a white leather cover. "Thanks," I say.

Dr. Samora smiles. "For new pupils, we were writing about our emotions and why we feel them, also who has hurt us the most. More so an 'I forgive you' type of thing." She struggles to find the words to make the assignment make sense.

The class chuckles as Dr. Samora puts on some soft jazz and we start writing. This has come so easy to me, because there are a lot of people I feel has hurt me. But I only choose one person...my mother. Unlike, Mr. Spaggiari, Dr. Samora does not mind us chattering a little but about what we are writing about.

Violet is writing about her mother as well and Meme is writing about her sister, Lele. The classroom is so warm and inviting, and it has a lot of writing tip posters. I wonder as I continue to writer what is going to happen to Mr. Spaggiari, and why he was eyeing me like that.

After I finally wrote about my mother, I went on to write about my so-called friend; Noemi. Then, my father. It was like a list of people and why I felt as though they had hurt me. Top person to hurt me was my mother and the least stopped with Meme, Shakur, Jazmyne, Caroline, and Bradly. When I finished, I filled up at least twenty pages including front and back.

Dr. Samora walks around and stops to me. I am slumped over my notebook trying to think of anyone else.

"Long list, Allyira." Dr. Samora observes.

"Yes, it is. Top to bottom. I am not sure if I did it right."

"No, don't worry about if it's right. If all of those people hurt you, then so be it. If you just wanted to write about expressing yourself, then go for it. As long as you are expressing yourself and being completely honest with yourself." She gently touches my shoulder.

I look at my notebook, "Are we sharing these?"

"Not if you don't want to, you don't have it."

"Great." Meme speaks up. "Because some of this stuff is embarrassing to share."

Dr. Samora laughs, "I know. But, if you do not have any embarrassing things, you can share." She informs.

I and Meme nod.

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